When an abuser loses access to their “supply” of control and manipulation, especially when a partner leaves and cuts off all contact, several potential responses may unfold. These reactions stem from the abuser’s inability to manage their own emotions, their sense of entitlement, and their dependency on external validation and control to maintain their sense of power. Here’s what can typically happen:
1. Emotional Dysregulation and Despair
Without their usual outlet for control, abusers often experience intense emotional dysregulation. This can manifest as:
- Rage: Anger over losing control and the partner’s defiance of their authority.
- Depression: A sense of emptiness or loss because their identity was heavily tied to the power they exercised over their partner.
- Anxiety: Fear of being exposed or losing the image they’ve crafted to others.
These emotions may result in erratic or self-destructive behavior.
2. Attempts to Reassert Control
Abusers may refuse to accept the loss of their partner as final. Common tactics include:
- Hoovering: Trying to lure the partner back with promises of change, guilt trips, or grand gestures.
- Smear Campaigns: Spreading lies about the partner to damage their reputation and maintain the illusion of control over the narrative.
- Stalking or Harassment: Persistently trying to contact the partner, whether through direct communication, indirect means (friends, family), or even surveillance.
3. Seeking a New Supply
Many abusers quickly seek out new targets to regain the sense of power and control they crave. This could be a new romantic partner, a friend, or even coworkers. They often repeat the same abusive patterns with the new person.
4. Internal Collapse
If they cannot find a new supply or regain control, some abusers may spiral into a state of despair or self-pity. While this might seem like justice, it rarely leads to genuine self-reflection or change. Instead, it often fuels their victim mentality:
- They may cast themselves as the one wronged or abandoned.
- They might use this to manipulate others into offering sympathy or support.
5. Escalation of Hostility
In cases where the abuser feels particularly threatened by their loss of control, they may escalate their behavior:
- Legal Threats: Filing frivolous lawsuits, custody battles, or restraining orders to regain a sense of dominance.
- Physical Aggression: While less common if the partner has gone “no contact,” abusers may lash out if they feel they can retaliate safely.
- Financial Abuse: Attempting to withhold money, property, or other resources as a means of punishment.
6. Projection and Denial
Rather than acknowledging their abusive behavior, the abuser will often:
- Blame the partner: Claiming the victim was the problem, the abuser might tell others the partner was abusive or neglectful.
- Justify their actions: Insisting their behavior was necessary or warranted due to the partner’s alleged faults.
- Deny the reality of the breakup: Some may convince themselves (and others) that the partner will eventually come back.
Why These Responses Occur
Abusers typically rely on controlling others as a means of avoiding their own insecurities, fears, and lack of self-worth. When that supply is removed, they are forced to confront the emptiness within themselves, often leading to panic or desperate attempts to restore the status quo.
What Can the Survivor Do?
To protect themselves, survivors should:
- Maintain no contact: Block all forms of communication, including through mutual friends or social media.
- Document everything: If harassment occurs, keeping a record can be crucial for legal action.
- Seek support: Therapy, support groups, and trusted loved ones can provide guidance and reassurance.
- Prepare for retaliation: Understanding the abuser’s potential reactions can help survivors stay calm and proactive.
- Focus on healing: Prioritize self-care and emotional recovery to reclaim their sense of freedom and individuality.
Final Thoughts
The abuser’s reaction to losing control is not about the survivor; it’s about their inability to cope with a world where they are not in charge. By leaving and cutting off contact, the survivor has taken the most critical step toward regaining their power and breaking the cycle of abuse.
