It can be incredibly frustrating and painful to witness someone who has caused harm portray themselves as the victim, especially if they’ve managed to do so successfully in the past. When this dynamic repeats itself in another relationship, it often speaks to the patterns of manipulation and control that the abuser relies on to maintain power and evade accountability.

Why Abusers Play the Victim

1. Avoiding Accountability: By portraying themselves as the victim, they deflect attention away from their own behavior and focus it on their narrative of being wronged.
2. Gaining Sympathy: This tactic can elicit support and compassion from others, including family members, making it harder for the actual victim to be believed.
3. Reinforcing Control: If they can manipulate others into seeing them as the victim, they maintain control over the narrative, the people around them, and sometimes even the legal or social outcomes.

Why Their Family Believes Them

1. Patterns of Enabling: Families who believed the abuser in the past may be conditioned to see them in a certain light. It could stem from loyalty, denial, or a refusal to face uncomfortable truths.
2. The Power of Manipulation: Abusers often excel at manipulating those closest to them, crafting stories that fit the audience’s emotional vulnerabilities or preconceived notions.
3. Cultural or Familial Norms: In some families, protecting the image of one of their own might take precedence over seeking truth, especially if the family values loyalty or appearances over accountability.

What Can Be Done?

1. Document and Share the Truth: If you or someone else is in the position of the actual victim, keeping a record of events, actions, and behaviors can be vital. Evidence can sometimes cut through manipulation.
2. Seek Support: Reaching out to those who understand the dynamics of abuse, such as trauma-informed therapists or support groups, can help validate your experience and provide guidance.
3. Limit Engagement: If possible, avoid getting drawn into their narrative. Confrontation often provides the abuser more material to twist in their favor.
4. Educate Others: For those willing to listen, sharing information about abuse dynamics and the tactics abusers use to play the victim can slowly shift perspectives.
5. Focus on Healing: While it’s natural to want to expose the abuser, prioritizing your own emotional and mental well-being is crucial. Their behavior is not a reflection of your worth or truth.

Emotional Impact

It’s normal to feel helpless, angry, or even hopeless in situations like these. Repeated manipulation can feel like gaslighting on a societal level when others buy into a false narrative. However, remember that healing and moving forward is the most powerful way to reclaim your story.

Would you like to explore strategies for navigating these emotions or managing this dynamic further?