This kind of behavior is not love—it’s manipulation, control, and cruelty masquerading as affection. True love nurtures, protects, and uplifts. Abuse, on the other hand, is a deliberate attempt to harm, control, or diminish another person. When abusers claim to “love” their victims while engaging in such destructive behavior, they are distorting the concept of love to justify their actions and maintain power.

Why Abusers Claim to Love Their Victims

1. To Manipulate and Control: By claiming to love the victim, the abuser blurs the lines between affection and harm, creating confusion and making the victim question their perceptions.
2. To Maintain Power: Phrases like “I still love you” can be used as a tool to reel the victim back in emotionally, even if the relationship is over.
3. Self-Deception: Some abusers may genuinely believe they “love” their victim because they equate love with possession or control, not respect or care. Their understanding of love is often deeply warped.
4. To Preserve Their Image: Declaring love publicly or to others allows the abuser to appear like the “good guy,” diverting attention away from their harmful actions and painting themselves as the victim.

Abuse vs. Love: Key Differences

1. Love Respects Boundaries; Abuse Violates Them: Love involves listening, understanding, and respecting the other person’s needs and limits. Abuse disregards those limits to serve the abuser’s own desires.
2. Love Uplifts; Abuse Tears Down: In a loving relationship, both people grow and thrive. In an abusive dynamic, one person seeks to dominate and diminish the other.
3. Love Protects; Abuse Harms: Love seeks to safeguard the well-being of the other person. Abuse does the opposite—it inflicts harm, whether emotional, financial, or physical.
4. Love is Unselfish; Abuse is Self-Centered: Love is about giving and mutual support. Abuse is about taking and asserting control, often at great cost to the victim.

Emotional Torture in Disguise

When an abuser claims to “love” the victim but engages in calculated actions like financial sabotage, manipulation, and emotional harm, it is a form of psychological torture. It can leave the victim feeling trapped, questioning their worth, and wondering if they’ll ever find peace. This kind of abuse is deeply harmful because it plays with the victim’s emotions and undermines their sense of reality.

Reclaiming the Truth

It’s important to remind yourself that:

1. Their Words Don’t Define You: Just because they claim to love you doesn’t mean their actions reflect love. Actions speak louder than words, and their actions are abusive, not loving.
2. You Deserve True Love: Real love is gentle, supportive, and kind. What you’ve experienced is the opposite of love.
3. You Are Not to Blame: The abuser’s behavior reflects their own brokenness, not your worth or actions.

Moving Forward

1. Distance Yourself from the Lies: Emotionally disengage from their claims of love. Recognize these statements for what they are: manipulative attempts to retain control.
2. Seek Validation from Safe People: Surround yourself with individuals who understand your experience and can help you reaffirm what love truly looks and feels like.
3. Heal Through Truth: Counter the abuser’s distortions by reaffirming your own truth. Journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends can help untangle the emotional knots left by the abuse.

Abuse is never love, no matter how much the abuser claims otherwise. Love doesn’t hurt, harm, or control—it sets people free. Would you like to explore ways to process these feelings further or redefine what love means to you moving forward?