Double standard is a common tactic in abusive relationships, and it’s incredibly frustrating and demeaning. When an abuser sets one rule for you and your children or grandchildren, while treating their own family with favoritism or entitlement, they’re creating a dynamic designed to assert control, diminish your worth, and reinforce their power.

Why Abusers Create Double Standards

1. Control and Dominance: Abusers often use unequal rules to remind their partner of their perceived inferiority in the relationship. It’s a way of asserting dominance.
2. Favoritism as a Weapon: Showing favoritism toward their own family creates division and tension, keeping the focus off their abusive behavior.
3. Punishment: Denying your children and grandchildren the same treatment can be a subtle form of punishment, reinforcing their control by withholding resources or affection.
4. Self-Centeredness: Many abusers view their own needs and family as more important, reflecting their lack of empathy and entitlement.

The Impact of This Behavior

1. Emotional Harm: Seeing your children or grandchildren treated unfairly is deeply hurtful and can lead to resentment, frustration, and guilt.
2. Strained Relationships: This dynamic often creates tension between you and your family, as they may feel you’re complicit or unable to stand up for them.
3. Erosion of Self-Worth: Being expected to give while receiving nothing in return reinforces feelings of being undervalued and unimportant.

How to Navigate This Situation

1. Acknowledge the Injustice:
   • Recognize that this behavior is abusive and unfair. It’s not a reflection of your worth or your family’s value but of the abuser’s manipulative tendencies.
2. Set Clear Boundaries:
   • Refuse to contribute to their children or grandchildren unless there is reciprocal support for yours. It’s not your responsibility to carry the financial or emotional load for their family.
   • Make your expectations clear: fairness and equality in how resources and support are shared.
3. Communicate Firmly:
   • If possible, express how this double standard makes you feel. Be direct but calm: “I feel hurt and unsupported when I’m expected to give to your children but you refuse to contribute to mine.”
   • Keep in mind that abusers often deflect or deny responsibility, so focus on protecting your boundaries rather than changing their behavior.
4. Advocate for Your Family:
   • Stand up for your children and grandchildren, showing them that their needs and worth are not diminished by the abuser’s actions.
   • Find ways to support them independently, even if it means seeking resources outside the relationship.
5. Seek Support:
   • Talk to trusted friends, family, or a counselor about what’s happening. Validation and encouragement from others can help you regain your strength and perspective.
   • If the situation involves financial abuse or control, consider consulting with a professional (e.g., a financial advisor or legal advocate) to understand your rights and options.
6. Consider Your Long-Term Well-Being:
   • Reflect on whether staying in this dynamic is healthy for you and your family. If the double standards are part of a broader pattern of abuse, it might be worth exploring ways to distance yourself or rebuild your independence.

Emotional Considerations

• Guilt and Anger: It’s normal to feel guilt for being unable to shield your children from the unfairness or anger at the abuser’s blatant disregard for fairness. Acknowledge these feelings—they’re valid—and use them as fuel to create change.
• Reaffirm Your Value: Remind yourself and your children that their worth isn’t tied to the abuser’s treatment. Their value is inherent, and their needs matter.
• Focus on Resilience: Modeling strength and fairness in the face of injustice can teach your family the importance of standing up for what’s right, even in difficult circumstances.

Would you like to explore ways to strengthen your boundaries, rebuild independence, or ensure your family feels supported despite this dynamic?