The effectiveness of marriage counseling when it comes to a repeat abuser. History, research, and countless survivor stories often confirm that this is a futile effort. In cases of habitual abuse, counseling is unlikely to lead to meaningful change for several key reasons:
Why Marriage Counseling Fails with Abusers
- Abuse is About Power, Not Communication:
- Abuse isn’t a relationship issue—it’s a power and control issue. Marriage counseling often focuses on improving communication, understanding each other’s needs, or resolving conflicts. But abuse isn’t rooted in poor communication; it’s a deliberate choice to dominate and harm. Counseling can inadvertently reinforce the abuser’s behavior by shifting blame to the victim.
- The Abuser’s Lack of Accountability:
- Many abusers attend counseling not to change but to manipulate the process. They may:
- Shift blame onto the victim (“If they didn’t provoke me, I wouldn’t have done it”).
- Pretend to be remorseful to avoid consequences.
- Use the counselor’s comments as ammunition to further control the victim.
- Many abusers attend counseling not to change but to manipulate the process. They may:
- No Genuine Desire to Change:
- Change requires self-awareness, accountability, and a willingness to confront deeply ingrained behaviors. Most repeat abusers lack these qualities. They may promise to change, but this is often a tactic to keep the victim from leaving, not a sincere commitment.
- Reinforcing the Cycle:
- When counseling doesn’t address the root causes of abuse (power, control, entitlement), it risks enabling the cycle. The abuser may see it as a way to maintain their dominance by appearing cooperative while continuing their harmful behavior behind closed doors.
What History Tells Us
Research and experience show that abusers, particularly repeat offenders, are unlikely to change without intensive, specialized intervention. Even then, success rates are low because:
- Abuse is often deeply ingrained: It stems from personality traits, entitlement, or even psychopathic tendencies.
- Motivation to change is rare: Most abusers don’t see their behavior as a problem—they see the victim as the problem.
- Short-term changes are deceptive: Abusers may alter their behavior temporarily to regain control over a partner, only to revert once they feel secure again.
Why Counseling Can Be Harmful to the Victim
- False Hope: Victims may stay in the relationship longer, hoping counseling will “fix” things, prolonging their exposure to harm.
- Victim Blaming: Some counselors, especially those without training in abuse dynamics, may inadvertently suggest the victim is partially responsible for the abuse.
- Increased Danger: Counseling often emboldens the abuser. When the victim begins asserting themselves or discussing the abuse, the abuser may retaliate with more severe control tactics.
When Does Change Happen?
True change is rare and requires:
- Specialized Intervention: Programs focused specifically on abusive behavior, like batterer intervention programs (not anger management, which is often ineffective for abusers).
- Willingness to Change: The abuser must genuinely want to change and take responsibility without blaming others.
- Long-Term Commitment: Abusers must consistently engage in self-reflection and accountability over months or years—not a few sessions.
Even with these measures, most experts agree that leaving the relationship and prioritizing the victim’s safety is usually the best course of action.
Why Victims Stay in Counseling
Victims often agree to counseling out of hope, fear, or societal pressure:
- Hope: They want to believe the abuser can change because leaving feels overwhelming or impossible.
- Pressure: Cultural, religious, or family expectations may push them to “save the marriage.”
- Manipulation: The abuser may coerce them into counseling as a way to keep control.
The Path Forward
Rather than focusing on counseling with the abuser, the victim’s time and energy are better spent on:
- Individual Therapy: Working through trauma and rebuilding self-worth.
- Safety Planning: Strategizing an exit plan if leaving is possible.
- Support Networks: Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or domestic violence organizations.
- Legal Protections: Seeking restraining orders or other legal avenues if necessary.
The Hard Truth
History does indeed show that most repeat abusers will not change. They thrive on control and often manipulate those around them into believing otherwise. Marriage counseling is not only a waste of time in these cases but can also be harmful. The focus must always be on the victim’s safety, healing, and empowerment—not on fixing a relationship that is inherently broken due to abuse.
Breaking free is difficult but vital. The future holds so much more than staying stuck in the cycle of abuse, hoping for someone to change when their history tells you they won’t.
