This type of behavior is definitely a boundary violation and could signal a lack of trust or a desire to control, which can be harmful and disempowering. In a healthy relationship, privacy and autonomy are respected and safeguarded, with mutual understanding and trust as key pillars. While openness and transparency are crucial in a committed relationship, that’s something that each partner needs to offer freely rather than feeling monitored or controlled.

Here are some thoughts on the situation and potential ways forward:

1. Reflect on the Intention and Frequency

• Try to understand if this behavior is a one-time thing, driven by a specific issue or insecurity, or if it’s part of a larger pattern of control or intrusion. Some people have moments of insecurity and may act on them, but ongoing behaviors like this suggest a deeper issue.
• Consider any underlying reasons he might give. Does he express concern, worry, or a sense of insecurity? Or does he see it as “normal” and insist on being aware of your every interaction? Understanding his mindset could be essential in addressing the problem directly.

2. Address Boundaries Clearly and Firmly

• Boundaries are critical in any relationship. They’re not about secrecy; they’re about preserving personal space and a sense of independence, which is vital for healthy connections.
• Talk to him openly and explain how this makes you feel. Be specific about why it feels invasive. Expressing that a certain amount of privacy makes you feel more comfortable and respected might help him understand why boundaries matter to you.

3. Explore Underlying Trust Issues

• A need to monitor a partner’s every move often stems from trust issues or insecurities. Whether or not there’s a specific incident in your past that led to this, this level of intrusion is usually about fear or anxiety on his part.
• If he has a history of trust issues, it might help to explore whether he’s willing to work on them through open conversations or even couple’s therapy. Sometimes having a safe space to explore these feelings can help the relationship heal and build healthier trust.

4. Build Reassurance and Openness on Both Sides

• If he’s motivated by a desire for more connection or closeness, consider exploring other ways to meet those needs without compromising your boundaries. For example, you might agree to be more open about day-to-day activities or your goals, reassuring him through genuine connection rather than surveillance.
• However, remember that you should not have to compromise on reasonable privacy to meet his insecurities.

5. Identify Potential for Coercive Control

• Monitoring communications, knowing all passwords, and secretly accessing your phone may indicate controlling tendencies that go beyond insecurity. In cases where such behavior is part of a larger pattern of control or manipulation, it’s worth being cautious and observing if it extends into other areas of your life.
• Relationships that slide into coercive control can become very unhealthy, and it may be helpful to consider individual counseling as a place to explore how you feel and understand whether you’re comfortable with the dynamic.

6. Create a Plan for Change

• After addressing these issues with him, create a tangible plan for change. Make sure he’s aware of what steps he can take to respect your boundaries (e.g., letting you manage your own passwords and private conversations).
• Also, assess how willing he is to respect these new boundaries and whether he takes actionable steps to show that he respects your autonomy.

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Navigating privacy and autonomy in relationships is challenging, but essential. If he truly values the relationship, he should be open to hearing your perspective and working towards a space where trust can be built and sustained without control.