Stay Grounded in Your Reality

When someone is in complete denial about their abusive behavior and uses projection to shift blame, staying assertive can be challenging but essential. These situations require a delicate approach where you can assertively protect yourself and your boundaries without engaging in unproductive back-and-forth. Here’s how to maintain your stance effectively:

1. Stay Grounded in Your Reality

Abusive individuals in denial often rely on gaslighting, attempting to make you doubt your perceptions. Start by reminding yourself of your truth and your right to set boundaries, regardless of their response. Having clarity on your experiences and feelings is the foundation of assertive communication in the face of denial.

2. Use Objective Language to Describe Behaviors

Rather than engaging in subjective debates about intentions or perspectives, focus on specific behaviors and their effects on you. Avoid labeling terms that might provoke defensiveness (like “abusive” or “manipulative”) and focus on factual observations:

Instead of: “You’re always controlling and manipulative.”
Try: “When you interrupt me or disregard my needs, I feel disrespected and undervalued.”

Objective language makes it harder for the other person to deny the facts while keeping your focus on how their behavior impacts you.

3. Refuse to Engage with the Deflection

When projection or blame-shifting occurs, gently refuse to be drawn into defending yourself or justifying your actions. Engaging only shifts the conversation away from the issue. Instead, redirect the focus back to the behavior at hand:

“I’m here to discuss your actions and how they affect me. Let’s keep the focus on that.”

Or, when they project blame onto you:

“I understand you see it that way, but that doesn’t change how your actions have impacted me.”

4. Reassert Your Boundaries Without Expecting Validation

People in denial are unlikely to validate your experience, and waiting for their acknowledgment can lead to frustration. Assert your boundaries clearly, without seeking their agreement:

“I don’t need you to agree with me, but I do need you to respect my boundaries.”
“I am asking you to respect my need for space, even if you don’t see things the same way.”

Standing firm without expecting validation frees you from the cycle of trying to convince them, which can be exhausting.

5. Stay Focused on Your Needs and Limits

An abuser in denial may attempt to derail conversations with distractions and deflections. Gently but firmly steer the conversation back to what you need:

“I’m not here to argue, but to let you know that I need (X) to feel safe and respected.”
“This is not about assigning blame. It’s about ensuring I have the space to feel safe and valued.”

Remaining calm and centered in what you need keeps you grounded, which can prevent the abuser from successfully undermining your stance.

6. Use Statements that Establish Finality

Sometimes, ending the discussion or setting a boundary becomes necessary to protect yourself from further harm. If the denial and projection persist, use a closing statement that signals the end of the conversation:

“I can see we’re not going to agree on this, and that’s okay. I’ll be stepping back from this conversation now.”
“I’ve expressed my needs clearly, and I’m going to hold to them moving forward. I won’t discuss this any further.”

These statements clarify that you’re asserting your boundary without expecting further validation or engagement from them.

7. Consider Detachment as a Boundary

In cases where the denial and projection are intense, you might need to detach, either emotionally or physically, from the situation. Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care; it simply means protecting your peace and well-being:

“I value a safe and respectful environment for myself, so I’ll be taking a step back to ensure that.”

This form of boundary-setting is especially effective in situations where discussing behavior directly only escalates conflict or leaves you feeling invalidated.

Sample Assertive Responses in This Context

“I’ve noticed that when we discuss these behaviors, you tend to shift the focus onto my actions. I’d appreciate it if we could stay focused on what I’m bringing up.”
“I’m firm on this boundary because it’s important for my well-being. I don’t need you to understand it fully; I just need it respected.”
“I understand you might not agree with my perspective. Regardless, my experience of this situation is real to me, and I’ll be setting boundaries that reflect that reality.”

Moving Forward with Self-Care

Finally, assertiveness with an abusive person in denial can take a toll. After the conversation, engage in activities that ground you—spending time with supportive friends, journaling your feelings, or practicing self-care activities that reaffirm your worth and boundaries. Consistent self-validation is crucial to sustain your sense of self and your assertive stance. Assertive communication, when met with denial, can feel isolating, but it’s a strong, affirming step in claiming your autonomy and protecting your peace.

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