When someone minimizes their physical aggression and claims that it was “nothing,” it’s another serious red flag in the relationship. This behavior is a form of emotional manipulation and can be an attempt to gaslight you into doubting the severity of the incident. Whether the aggression is rooted in narcissism, mental illness, or any other factor, minimizing violent behavior is a way for the person to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to continue exerting control over you.

Why They Might Minimize Aggression

1. Avoiding Accountability: Minimizing their behavior allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They might be trying to shift the focus away from their aggression and onto how you’re supposedly overreacting or being “too sensitive.” This deflection is a way to avoid facing the consequences of their behavior.
2. Maintaining Power and Control: By downplaying the seriousness of their actions, they can keep you feeling off-balance and uncertain about how to respond. If they convince you that the aggression “wasn’t a big deal,” you might be more likely to tolerate it again in the future, which allows them to maintain their power over you.
3. Protecting Their Self-Image: If they have narcissistic traits, admitting to violent behavior might threaten their carefully crafted self-image as a good person. Narcissists often struggle to accept any flaws or wrongdoing, so they dismiss the incident to preserve their sense of superiority or to maintain their belief that they’re always in the right.
4. Fear of Consequences: They might minimize the aggression because they’re afraid of the consequences—like you leaving them, confronting them, or involving others. By downplaying what happened, they hope to reduce the chances of you taking action against them.
5. Gaslighting Tactics: Minimizing the aggression can be part of a broader strategy to gaslight you into questioning your own reality. By telling you that it wasn’t as bad as you think, they’re trying to make you doubt your own perceptions and normalize the abusive behavior.

The Impact of Minimization on You

• Confusion and Self-Doubt: When someone you care about tells you that you’re overreacting or that the aggression was “nothing,” it can make you question your own feelings and perception of the situation. This self-doubt is exactly what they want, as it keeps you from confronting the reality of their behavior.
• Lowered Self-Esteem: Over time, minimizing your experience can damage your self-esteem, making you feel like your feelings and boundaries aren’t valid. This can lead to a sense of powerlessness and make it harder to stand up for yourself in the future.
• Normalization of Abuse: The more often this kind of behavior is minimized, the more likely you are to start believing it or dismissing it as a one-time incident. This normalization can lead to a cycle where abusive behavior continues and escalates over time.
• Emotional Isolation: Minimization can make you feel like you can’t trust your own judgment or talk to others about what’s happening. This isolation can leave you feeling alone, unsupported, and trapped in the relationship.

What to Do When They Minimize Their Aggression

1. Trust Your Feelings: Your perception of what happened is valid, and your feelings about the aggression are real. If something felt wrong, then it was wrong. Don’t let their attempts to downplay the situation make you second-guess your experience.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Let them know that minimizing their aggressive behavior is not acceptable and that you won’t tolerate it. Be firm about your boundaries and make it clear that any form of physical aggression is a serious issue.
3. Document the Incident: Keep a record of what happened, including the details of the incident and how they responded afterward. This documentation can help you stay grounded in reality when they try to distort the truth or downplay the severity of their actions.
4. Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about what’s happening. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help validate your experience and remind you that their behavior is not normal or acceptable.
5. Consider Your Safety: If you feel that the aggression might escalate, prioritize your safety. Make a plan for what to do if you ever feel threatened again, including reaching out to support services or seeking a safe place to stay.
6. Reach Out for Professional Help: Both individual therapy for yourself and couples therapy (if they are willing to participate) can help address these issues. However, if their behavior is rooted in narcissistic tendencies or persistent abuse, they might be resistant to change, and couples therapy might not be effective.

Final Thoughts

Minimizing physical aggression is a tactic to keep you under control and in doubt about your own feelings. It is a form of emotional abuse that aims to distort your reality, making you feel like you’re overreacting to a situation that is, in fact, serious. No form of violence or aggression is ever acceptable in a relationship, and minimizing it only adds another layer of manipulation and harm.

If they are unwilling to acknowledge their behavior and take responsibility for their actions, it might be necessary to evaluate the relationship’s health and your own well-being within it. Physical aggression, no matter how it is minimized, is never a minor issue—it is a breach of trust and safety that no one should have to endure. If you ever feel at risk or unsafe, seek immediate help from friends, family, or professional resources. Your safety and well-being are the most important priorities.