For 32 years, I believed I was living in a loving relationship. It felt like care, affection, and connection. But looking back now, I can see that it was everything but love. It was emotional, psychological, financial, and at times physical abuse, all carefully disguised as love.
When you are inside it, you don’t see it. You justify the confusing behaviors, make excuses, and try to “fix” the relationship. Your nervous system is constantly on high alert, and you learn to ignore your own instincts because the abuse is hidden behind charm, guilt, and manipulation.
It took 18 months of intensive therapy with an incredible psychologist for me to recognize the patterns that had controlled my life for decades. That work gave me clarity: what I had believed was love was, in reality, abuse in every form.
I share my story because I want to educate and empower others. Abuse can happen to anyone, and it often hides in plain sight. Recognizing the signs early is the first step toward safety and freedom.
Emotional, Financial, and Physical Manipulation Tactics
Emotional Manipulation
- Gaslighting: “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened.”
- Guilt and shame: “After all I’ve done for you…”
- Conditional affection: “If you loved me, you would…”
- Isolation: cutting you off from friends or family
- Hot–cold cycles: intermittent affection and withdrawal to create dependency
Financial Manipulation
- Controlling access to money or resources
- Pressure to give loans, gifts, or shared finances
- Creating debt in your name
- Using guilt or fear to get financial compliance
Physical Manipulation / Intimidation
- Subtle intimidation (looming, blocking movement, grabbing)
- Escalating to pushing, slapping, or hitting
- Threats of physical harm
- Restriction or confinement
Red Flags to Watch For
- Feeling anxious, drained, or tense after interactions
- Feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions
- Experiencing confusion or self-doubt about their behavior
- Repeated guilt-tripping or pressure for money, time, or favors
- Rapid escalation of emotional or physical intensity
- Your boundaries are ignored or constantly tested
- Isolation from friends, family, or support systems
How Abuse Escalates Over Time
- Hooking / Idealization: Charm, attention, love-bombing
- Boundary Testing: Subtle control, emotional pressure, minor intimidation
- Devaluation / Coercion: Criticism, guilt, hot–cold cycles, financial leverage
- Trauma Bonding: Emotional addiction, intermittent reward, increasing dependency
- Extreme / Life-Threatening Escalation: Threats, physical abuse, severe financial or relational control
Abuse often starts subtle and escalates slowly, which makes it hard to recognize until patterns are entrenched.
Tips for Recognizing and Protecting Yourself
- Trust your instincts: If something feels off, it probably is.
- Observe patterns, not isolated incidents: Abuse builds over time.
- Document interactions: Keep texts, emails, and notes about incidents.
- Set clear boundaries: Communicate them calmly and enforce them consistently.
- Keep finances separate: Protect your autonomy and resources.
- Build support networks: Friends, family, therapists, and legal advisors.
- Pause before complying: Take time to assess manipulative requests.
- Educate yourself: Recognizing manipulation tactics reduces their power.
- Plan for safety: Know escape routes, emergency contacts, and safe spaces.
Final Thought
Abuse disguised as love is incredibly confusing. But recognizing the signs — emotionally, financially, and physically — reclaims your power and freedom.
It took me 18 months of therapy to see what 32 years of manipulation had done. Today, I am free, safe, and fully aware of the patterns. You can learn to spot them too — before they take control.
“Healthy love feels calm. Abuse feels intense, controlling, or confusing. Trust your nervous system — it knows the truth before your mind does.”
