| Feature | Real Love / Secure Partner | The Player |
|---|---|---|
| Motivation | Genuine emotional connection, shared growth, long-term trust | Ego gratification, validation, novelty-seeking, attention |
| Behavior | Consistent, reliable, communicates openly | Flirts widely, keeps options open, inconsistent commitment, secretive |
| Emotional Impact | Activates oxytocin → calm, bonding, emotional safety | Short-term dopamine spikes → excitement; cortisol spikes→ anxiety, insecurity in others |
| Pattern | Builds intimacy gradually, invests in partnership | Cycles of charm → pursuit → withdrawal → repeat |
| Relational Outcome | Trust, mutual support, secure attachment | Confusion, relational hypervigilance, erosion of trust |
| Red Flags | Keeps promises, transparent, integrates partner into life | Frequent flirting with others, avoids accountability, manipulates narratives |
Key Insight:
The Player leverages novelty and external validation to stimulate the nervous system. Their charm feels rewarding in the short term, but repeated patterns often leave partners emotionally dysregulated. The brain may interpret initial attention as “connection,” even when it is performative.
Linda C J Turner | Trauma Therapist & Emotional Healing Specialist 