Pause. Breathe. Answer honestly. No explanations required.
🧠 Nervous System Check
- ☐ I feel mostly calm around this person, not activated or on edge
- ☐ I can sleep, eat, and focus whether or not I hear from them
- ☐ My body feels settled after seeing them, not dysregulated
If calm feels “boring” or unsettling, that may be trauma, not incompatibility.
❤️ Attachment Check
- ☐ I’m curious about them, not preoccupied
- ☐ I don’t feel urgency to define or secure the relationship
- ☐ I’m not imagining a future to soothe anxiety in the present
Healthy attraction grows; trauma attachment accelerates.
🧱 Boundary Check
- ☐ I can say “not yet,” “no,” or “I need space” comfortably
- ☐ I’m not oversharing my deepest wounds early on
- ☐ I’m not changing my values, pace, or needs to keep connection
If a boundary feels like rejection, pause — that’s old wiring speaking.
🪞Self-Respect Check
- ☐ I still prioritise my routines, healing, and support system
- ☐ I don’t feel smaller, rushed, or confused about who I am
- ☐ I like myself more, not less, around this person
Connection should expand you, not eclipse you.
🔄 Dependency Check
- ☐ This person is not my main source of emotional regulation
- ☐ I don’t rely on them to feel safe, worthy, or okay
- ☐ I could tolerate them stepping back without panic
Companionship is healthy. Regulation dependency is not.
🌱 Pace Reality Check
- ☐ Time is being allowed to do its job
- ☐ Consistency matters more than intensity
- ☐ Trust is building through actions, not words
Intimacy without time is exposure, not safety.
Gentle Closing Question
“If this connection ended tomorrow, would I still feel intact?”
If the answer is no, that doesn’t mean you should stop —
it means you should slow down and bring more support inward.
One Grounding Reminder
You are not behind.
You are learning to connect without abandoning yourself.
