Recently, I had an enormous clear-out. I went through every wardrobe, every drawer, and every hanger — and removed the clothes I had been wearing for the past 30 years. Clothes my mother had passed down to me, clothes my daughter had given me, and endless second-hand items that I accepted because, for decades, I was restricted from spending my own money.
This wasn’t just a spring-clean. It was a symbolic act — a letting go of a life where I had been denied, controlled, and diminished.
Thirty Years of Financial Control
Over the decades, thousands of pounds and euros of my earnings were handed over. They went toward paying bills, family holidays (including his children), entertainment, and whatever else needed covering. Meanwhile:
- He would draw out large sums of cash from our joint account.
- He would hand me 50 euros — only to ask for it back a few days later.
- There was no housekeeping allowance, no fair partnership, just a tight, suffocating grip on my spending.
I was expected to provide for myself only if there was “anything left.” That meant second-hand clothes, Aldi and Lidl basics, and constantly sacrificing my own dignity and preferences for the sake of survival.
Remembering Who I Was
This was such a far cry from the values my mother instilled in me. She taught me the importance of buying quality clothing — pieces that lasted, that made you feel good, and that reflected pride in yourself. I carried that wisdom into my first marriage, where my husband actually took pride in letting me buy well-made clothes.
But in my second marriage, the contrast was stark. He didn’t care how he looked. He didn’t care how I looked. He didn’t care if I was wearing old second-hand clothing, as long as he controlled the purse strings.
The Turning Point
That’s why the clear-out mattered. Bagging up those clothes wasn’t just about fabric. It was about shedding decades of restriction, control, and smallness. It was about saying: I am not living like that anymore.
From now on, I will be spending my hard-earned money on myself.
- Buying what I want, when I want.
- Choosing quality over deprivation.
- Dressing once again in a way that reflects the woman I am, not the cage I was put into.
Psychology and Neuroscience of Reclaiming Self
Psychologists call this reclaiming of one’s identity a reversal of learned helplessness. For decades, I adapted to scarcity because I had no choice. But clearing out the clothes symbolized breaking that cycle — sending my brain a new message: I am free to choose.
Neuroscience supports this. Acts of decluttering and self-assertion light up the prefrontal cortex (decision-making and identity) and release dopamine — the brain’s “reward” chemical. That’s why it feels so powerful, so energizing, to clear space and reclaim control.
Coming Back to Me
I’ve come full circle. I am back to the woman my mother raised — one who values quality, dignity, and self-respect. I am back to the life I once knew, where I am not ashamed to enjoy the things I earn, the clothes I wear, or the money I spend.
This isn’t about materialism. It’s about agency.
It’s about self-worth.
It’s about getting back to me.
And now, every time I choose something beautiful for myself, I am choosing more than clothes — I am choosing freedom.
