Abusers often employ confusing tactics that keep their victims emotionally tethered. One such behavior is leaving love notes or letters for you when you’re away—small tokens of affection meant to evoke feelings of love and attachment. However, upon your return, these gestures are often contradicted by anger, criticism, or abuse.
Why Do They Do This?
This pattern of behavior isn’t about love—it’s about control and manipulation. Here’s what’s often at play:
- Maintaining Emotional Control:
- The love notes create hope and longing, making you believe there’s a softer, loving side to them.
- This emotional contradiction keeps you questioning their intentions, making it harder to see the relationship clearly.
- Creating Dependency:
- The kind words in the note contrast sharply with the harshness you experience in person. This imbalance can make you cling to the “good moments,” hoping they’ll return.
- Testing Boundaries:
- The anger upon your return often reasserts their dominance, reminding you who’s in control.
- This tactic keeps you in a cycle of confusion, fear, and dependency.
The Impact on You
These mixed signals are deeply destabilizing:
- Emotional Turmoil: You may feel trapped between loving the person they appear to be in the notes and fearing the person they become in reality.
- Cognitive Dissonance: The contradiction between their words and actions makes it hard to trust your own feelings or perceptions.
- Hope vs. Reality: The notes may fuel hope that they can change, prolonging the cycle of abuse.
Breaking the Cycle
- Recognize the Pattern: Understand that this behavior is a manipulation tactic, not genuine love.
- Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist to help untangle your emotions and regain clarity.
- Set Boundaries: If safe to do so, communicate that these gestures are not acceptable if paired with abusive behavior.
- Prioritize Your Well-Being: Focus on your own mental and emotional health, and consider professional help if needed.
Love is consistent and kind—not a rollercoaster of affection and cruelty. Recognizing these tactics is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming your peace.
