Understanding the Core: What Is Narcissism?

An infantile defence against narcissism refers to a primitive psychological mechanism often developed in early childhood to protect the self from deep emotional pain, shame, or feelings of inadequacy—particularly in the context of unmet emotional needs or early relational trauma. When someone grows up in an environment where they are not seen, heard, or valued for who they truly are, they may unconsciously create psychological defences to survive emotionally. These defences can later manifest in adulthood in ways that resist vulnerability, deflect criticism, or inflate the self-image. This is particularly relevant in relation to narcissism, which is itself often a defence against a fragile or wounded self.

Let’s break this down in a warm, friendly, and deep-dive kind of way:

💡 Understanding the Core: What Is Narcissism?

At its heart, narcissism is not just vanity or arrogance—it’s a defence against shame, unworthiness, or emotional abandonment. Many people with narcissistic traits or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have deep inner wounds, often from childhood. These can be the result of:

Parents who were overly critical, absent, emotionally unavailable, or themselves narcissistic.
A child only being valued for achievements, looks, or compliance—not for their authentic self.

To protect themselves from pain, children may develop narcissistic defences. But what happens when that doesn’t feel available or safe? That’s where infantile defences can kick in.

🧠 What Are Infantile Defences?

Infantile defences are early-stage psychological coping mechanisms developed during infancy and toddlerhood. They are primitive because they emerge before the child has the capacity for more mature emotional processing or relational understanding.

These defences are normal in infants and toddlers—but in adults, they can indicate a regression under stress, trauma, or deep emotional threat.

Examples include:

Denial: Refusing to acknowledge uncomfortable truths.
Splitting: Seeing people or situations as all-good or all-bad (black-and-white thinking).
Projection: Attributing one’s own feelings or thoughts to someone else.
Idealisation and devaluation: Swinging between putting someone on a pedestal and tearing them down.

🔄 Infantile Defence Against Narcissism

When we talk about an “infantile defence against narcissism,” we are referring to early, primitive coping strategies used to resist or defend against narcissistic wounding—either in oneself or as a reaction to narcissistic abuse.

Here are a few ways this might show up:

1. Clinging or Regression

A child (or adult) may regress into helplessness, neediness, or dependency as a way to escape the pressure to be “perfect” or admired—something often demanded by narcissistic caregivers.
This is a form of resistance to being “used” for narcissistic supply.

2. Fantasy or Magical Thinking

Creating an imaginary world where they are completely loved, powerful, or in control.
This compensates for feelings of insignificance or being invisible around a narcissistic figure.

3. Over-compliance or False Self

The child creates a “false self” that pleases or appeases the narcissist to avoid rejection or punishment.
While it protects the self short-term, it prevents authentic emotional development.

4. Withdrawal or Emotional Numbing

The child emotionally checks out—refusing to feel deeply or connect with others to avoid further pain.
As adults, this may show up as detachment or dismissiveness in relationships.

5. Idealisation of the Abuser

Sometimes seen in victims of narcissistic abuse (especially in children).
The child protects their psyche by believing the abusive parent is “perfect”—because acknowledging the truth would be too devastating.

🌱 Healing and Growth

Recognising these defences is a powerful step toward healing. When someone begins to see these patterns—perhaps in therapy, journaling, or through loving relationships—they can begin to move toward mature defences and emotional regulation.

Some healing steps include:

Inner child work: Meeting the unmet needs of the child self.
Grieving losses: Especially the fantasy of a “perfect parent” or idealised love.
Building self-worth: Learning to value the authentic self, not just the “performing” self.
Developing boundaries: To protect against manipulation or emotional enmeshment.
Co-regulation with safe others: Learning what real emotional safety feels like.

❤️ A Final Thought

Infantile defences against narcissism are not signs of weakness—they are signs of survival. These mechanisms allowed someone to emotionally endure situations that were overwhelming, scary, or invalidating. But they are not meant to be permanent homes. With support, awareness, and compassion, people can outgrow these early defences and step into a more whole, empowered, and emotionally integrated self.

— Linda C J Turner

Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment