By Linda C J Turner, Therapist & Advocate
From a psychological perspective, when an abuser gives unwanted sex toys as Christmas or birthday presents—especially in a relationship marked by control or emotional abuse—it can carry disturbing, layered messages that reflect their need to dominate, humiliate, and assert power. It’s not about intimacy, generosity, or love; it’s a psychological tactic. Here’s the messages it sends:
🌪️ Message 1: “Your body is mine, not yours”
This kind of gift ignores your autonomy and preferences, essentially saying, “I decide what you should want, not you.”
In abusive dynamics, especially those involving coercive control, an abuser often sees the other person not as a partner but as an extension of themselves. Gifting sexual items that aren’t desired—without prior conversation or consent—strips away your agency and asserts dominance over your body and boundaries.
🧠 Message 2: “Your comfort doesn’t matter”
It’s a cruel way to say, “I don’t care if this embarrasses, offends, or hurts you.”
This shows a lack of empathy and a deep disregard for your emotional needs. Gifts in healthy relationships are about shared joy or thoughtful surprises—this is about creating discomfort and then blaming you for feeling that way.
🪞 Message 3: “I see you as a sexual object, not a whole person”
It’s deeply dehumanizing.
Sex toys can be part of healthy exploration if both partners are open and consenting. But when used as a shock tactic or a power play, it’s objectification—turning you into a “thing” for their use or amusement, not a person with feelings and values.
🗣️ Message 4: “I can humiliate you even during celebrations”
Birthdays and holidays are supposed to be about love, appreciation, and joy. Giving an inappropriate gift during these times can be a public or private act of humiliation, packaged as a “joke” or even a “sexy surprise.” It’s about undermining your sense of safety, even in moments that should feel celebratory.
🔄 Message 5: “I control how you feel, even when I pretend it’s about you”
When an abuser gives you something inappropriate or distressing, they often gaslight you if you react negatively—saying you’re “too sensitive,” “ungrateful,” or that you “can’t take a joke.” This is manipulation wrapped in a ribbon.
❤️🩹 The Emotional Impact:
- Shame
- Confusion
- Disgust
- Anger
- Self-doubt (“Am I overreacting?”)
But you’re not overreacting. The discomfort and sadness you feel are your intuition waving a red flag. Your body and mind are trying to protect you.
Final Thought:
This isn’t just about a bad present—it’s about what that gift represents in the wider dynamic of the relationship. Gifts can be symbolic acts. In this case, they are symbolic violations of respect, intimacy, and safety. If it made you feel unseen, disrespected, or degraded, that feeling is real and valid.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
