When someone who has been married for 32 years suddenly claims to have a girlfriend (or someone else in their life), especially when they haven’t actually been involved with that person, it can be a sign of several things. Understanding their motives can give you a clearer picture of why they might take such a risk, even if it could potentially ruin everything.

1. Self-Justification or Deflection

One of the most common reasons an abuser or manipulative partner might suddenly claim to have a new romantic interest is to justify their actions or deflect blame. They might use the claim of having a girlfriend as a way to:

• Shift blame: By suggesting they have someone new, they may want to imply that any dissatisfaction in the marriage was caused by the other person (the “new” partner) rather than acknowledging their own harmful behavior, neglect, or emotional unavailability.
• Make you feel replaceable: They might say they have a girlfriend to create a sense of competition or to make you feel as though you’re no longer needed, valuable, or irreplaceable. This could be a manipulation tactic to lower your self-esteem and force you to accept their behavior or even reconcile under false pretenses.
• Deflect from their own guilt: If they’ve been cheating or behaving in a way that is harmful to the relationship, claiming to have someone else gives them a way to justify their actions—“Look, I’ve found someone who makes me happy, so it’s not my fault we’ve grown apart.”

2. Narcissistic Behavior

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, their sense of self-worth is often based on external validation. Claiming to have a girlfriend or other romantic partner can serve a few purposes:

• Boosting their ego: Narcissists often need to feel admired, desired, and validated by others. Claiming a new partner can be an attempt to reinforce their self-image, showing that they are still desirable or capable of attracting attention, even if the relationship isn’t real.
• Control and power dynamics: By claiming a new relationship, they might be trying to reassert control over you. It could be a way to provoke jealousy, make you feel insignificant, or create an emotional reaction that makes them feel powerful and in control. It’s a tactic that keeps you emotionally invested or unsettled.

3. Preparing for an Exit Strategy

In some cases, someone might claim to have a girlfriend as part of a larger plan to exit the marriage or transition to a new relationship. Even if they haven’t actually found someone, claiming they have can:

• Create an excuse to leave: If they’ve already mentally or emotionally checked out of the marriage, saying they have a girlfriend gives them an easy out. It allows them to tell others, and possibly even you, that they’re “moving on” because they’ve found someone else, rather than having to deal with the real reasons for their actions (such as emotional detachment, dissatisfaction, or personal issues).
• Prepare for a clean break: If they’re anticipating a separation or divorce, making this claim might be an attempt to soften the blow and justify their actions. By creating the illusion of someone new in their life, they may feel like it’ll make it easier for them to explain their behavior to family, friends, or even themselves.

4. Trying to Force Your Hand or Gain Sympathy

Another tactic could be manipulating your feelings to get a specific reaction from you:

• Make you jealous or angry: The idea is to provoke an emotional response, either to make you fight for the marriage, to question your own behavior, or to make you feel the need to “win them back.” It could be an attempt to make you feel possessive or to reawaken old emotions to keep you emotionally tethered to them.
• Get you to apologize or feel guilty: In some cases, they might use the claim of a new partner as a way to get sympathy from you or others. They might suggest that they’ve moved on because you weren’t “enough” for them, flipping the narrative in a way that paints them as the victim of your supposed failure in the relationship.

5. A Strategic Attempt to Destroy Your Confidence

If they know the marriage is falling apart or they’re ready to leave, they may say they have a new partner as a way to erode your confidence and self-worth. For example:

• Make you feel replaced: They may say they have a girlfriend to make you feel that you’ve been replaced, making you question your own value. The goal is to make you feel like you weren’t enough, that they’ve already found someone better, and that you should just let go.
• Undermine your sense of reality: If they’ve been emotionally abusive, the claim might also be a way to gaslight you. You might have suspected something was wrong, but by making the claim, they are confirming your suspicions in a way that makes you question everything—especially if you have no concrete evidence.

6. Not Realizing the Risk or Caring About Consequences

In some cases, especially with people who have a lack of empathy or self-awareness (such as in narcissistic or sociopathic behavior), the person may not fully comprehend or care about the consequences of their actions. If they are living in a world where their desires and needs take precedence, they may not see the potential destruction their claim could cause. They might say they have a girlfriend simply because it suits them at the time or to serve their immediate needs, without considering the long-term effects on you, the marriage, or their reputation.

7. Testing Your Reaction

They could also be testing you—seeing how you react to their claim of having a new partner. They may want to know if you’ll:

• Fight for them: Are you going to try to save the marriage? Will you attempt to win them back or ask for details about the “girlfriend” to try to understand what’s happening?
• Break down emotionally: The response they’re hoping for could be one where you feel humiliated or crushed, which might give them a sense of control or power. By testing your limits, they get to see if they can manipulate you further.

Why Take the Risk?

The risk of ruining everything might seem illogical, but for someone with narcissistic tendencies or a deep need for control, it might feel like a calculated move to either:

• Escape accountability: They want to avoid confronting the real issues in the marriage or facing the emotional fallout of their actions, so they fabricate a story to make it easier for them to walk away without being fully blamed.
• Maintain control: They want to create chaos or emotional turmoil in your life, to maintain a sense of power over you even as they exit or disengage.

If you’re dealing with someone who has made such a claim, it’s crucial to keep your boundaries firm. They might be testing the waters, but you don’t need to fall into the emotional traps they set. Trust your instincts, stick to your own narrative, and focus on what is real—not the manipulations they may try to throw at you.