If an abuser suddenly claims that they still “love” you, have had therapy, and want to start a new relationship with you just before your court date, it’s likely a last-minute manipulation tactic. This is designed to create confusion and emotional pressure, potentially swaying your decisions or affecting your mindset going into the proceedings. It’s also an attempt to regain control and avoid facing the consequences of their actions. Here’s a breakdown of what this tactic could mean and how to respond:

1. Emotional Manipulation

• Appealing to Nostalgia and Emotions: Abusers often use emotional pleas to destabilize their victims, hoping to evoke feelings of guilt, confusion, or longing. The claim that they “still love you” is an attempt to pull on your heartstrings, distracting you from the harm they’ve caused. They may try to make you question your decision to go forward with the case, suggesting that the past can be “forgotten” and that a new relationship is possible.
• Creating False Hope: The promise of a “new relationship” and their alleged therapy can be a way of tricking you into thinking they’ve changed or that you can reconcile. Often, they might portray themselves as remorseful, which can make you feel like you’re being unreasonable or harsh by rejecting their advances. The goal is to break down your resolve and make you feel responsible for their “recovery.”

2. Exploiting the Therapy Claim

• Pretending to Have Changed: Many abusers will claim they’ve been to therapy or are in the process of healing, making it sound like they’re taking responsibility for their actions. While it’s possible they may have attended therapy, it’s essential to keep in mind that therapy alone doesn’t undo years of abuse. Real change takes time and consistent action—not just words or temporary behavior shifts.
• Using Therapy as a Shield: By mentioning therapy, the abuser is trying to deflect attention away from their past behavior, shifting the focus to their alleged efforts at self-improvement. This can make it seem like they are “better” or that they’re working on themselves, but it’s likely just another attempt to avoid accountability. Keep in mind that the purpose of therapy is to genuinely address harmful behavior, not to manipulate situations.

3. Pressure to Drop the Case

• Emotional Blackmail: The abuser may pressure you emotionally, either by suggesting that your resistance to reconnecting will destroy any chance of a future with them or by making you feel guilty for wanting to go forward with the case. They may imply that “if you really cared,” you would give them another chance, thereby trying to frame you as unreasonable or cruel for standing your ground.
• Threats of Regret: Abusers might also say things like, “You’ll regret not giving us another chance” or “You’re throwing away something good.” They might use guilt to manipulate you into considering reconciliation, especially if they know you’ve been through emotional hardship.

4. Gaslighting and Confusion

• Undermining Your Reality: They may try to make you second-guess your experiences, telling you things like, “You know we had good times,” or “This is just a misunderstanding,” to undermine the reality of the abuse. This is a form of gaslighting, where the abuser attempts to distort your perception of events and make you question the validity of your feelings and decisions.
• Minimizing the Abuse: They might downplay the impact of their abuse by claiming it was a “rough patch” or that their behavior was not as severe as you’re portraying. The intention is to shift the narrative and reduce the severity of their actions, making it easier to gain your forgiveness or sympathy.

5. Trying to Reassert Control

• Regaining Power: This tactic is often about regaining control over you. By offering a “new beginning” or claiming that they’ve changed, they’re attempting to make you feel like they hold the key to your future. The suggestion of reconciliation can be a covert way of asserting power and getting you to pause or hesitate in your pursuit of justice.
• Dismissing Your Boundaries: If they are pushing for a new relationship after everything, it disregards the boundaries you’ve set to protect yourself. It shows that they are still trying to manipulate your emotions and control the situation by suggesting that you owe them another chance or forgiveness.

How to Respond to These Tactics

• Stay Focused on Your Goals: Remind yourself why you’re going to court. This is a time to focus on your safety, well-being, and healing, not on restoring a toxic relationship. It can be helpful to write down your reasons for pursuing legal action and refer back to them when the abuser attempts to distract you with emotional pleas.
• Do Not Engage in the Emotional Manipulation: While it’s natural to feel conflicted or moved by their words, it’s important not to get drawn into the emotional manipulation. You’ve already shown incredible strength in reaching this point, and any promises of change are often temporary at best. Recognize that these are attempts to derail you, not offers of genuine love or change.
• Consult Your Lawyer: If the abuser makes these claims or tries to pressure you in any way, inform your legal counsel immediately. A lawyer can help you navigate these tactics, ensuring that your case stays on track. They can also advise you on how to address any false claims made by the abuser in court.
• Trust the Process: Know that the court is there to assess the facts, not emotions. The abuser’s claims of love or change won’t change the reality of the abuse you’ve endured. Stay grounded in the facts of the case—documented evidence, testimony, and the impact of the abuse on your life.
• Consider Support: This is a high-stress and emotionally intense time, so lean on your support network, whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist. They can provide perspective, encouragement, and the emotional strength you might need when the abuser tries to pull you back into their narrative.

Remember, the abuser’s claim of “love” or “change” is often just a tactic to manipulate you into abandoning your pursuit of justice. Stay true to your path and focus on what’s best for your health, happiness, and future. You’ve made the brave decision to take this step in reclaiming your life and peace, and you deserve to see that through to the end.