The Illusion of Love: How Toxic Exes Weaponize Affection to Manipulate

Love is often seen as a force of healing, growth, and connection. However, when an ex-partner claims to still love someone while engaging in toxic behaviors such as stalking, harassment, or financial abuse, their words become nothing more than a performance. These actions reveal a lack of genuine love and instead expose a manipulative attempt to maintain control.

Love vs. Possession

A common misconception is that persistent attention, even in negative forms, equates to deep emotional attachment. However, genuine love involves respect, personal growth, and the well-being of the other person, even if that means letting them go. Toxic individuals, on the other hand, conflate love with possession. Their so-called love is not about valuing their ex as a person but about maintaining dominance and control.

When someone stalks, harasses, or exerts financial abuse on their former partner, they are demonstrating entitlement, not affection. They are saying, “I refuse to accept your autonomy,” rather than, “I care for your happiness.” This form of behavior is not love—it is coercion.

The Performance of Victimhood

Abusers often attempt to paint themselves as the victim when their former partner establishes boundaries or seeks independence. They may say:

• “I still love you! Why are you doing this to me?”
• “I can’t live without you. You’re ruining my life.”
• “I’m the real victim here. You left me, and now I’m suffering.”

These statements are designed to evoke sympathy and guilt, making it harder for their ex to maintain their boundaries. However, words are meaningless when actions tell a different story. If someone truly loved their ex, they would respect their decision to move forward without interference, not sabotage their financial stability, spread lies, or invade their privacy.

Tactics of Manipulation

Toxic individuals use various methods to keep their ex in a cycle of emotional turmoil. Some of these tactics include:

1. Stalking and Harassment

This could involve showing up uninvited at their ex’s home or workplace, sending excessive messages, or using social media to monitor them. These actions are designed to instill fear, guilt, or confusion, making it difficult for the victim to fully move on.

2. Financial Abuse

Toxic exes might withhold financial support, refuse to pay shared debts, or manipulate legal processes to create financial strain. This is another way of exerting control by making the victim feel trapped or dependent.

3. Smear Campaigns and Social Manipulation

They may spread false narratives about their ex to mutual friends, family, or even online, positioning themselves as the wounded party. This isolates the victim and pressures them into re-engaging in the relationship or defending themselves.

4. Hoovering and False Promises

After periods of abusive behavior, toxic individuals may suddenly switch tactics, apologizing profusely, making grand gestures, and promising change. This is an attempt to lure their ex back into the cycle of manipulation.

Why Do They Do It?

At the core of these behaviors is not love but fear of losing control. Many toxic individuals rely on their ability to manipulate others for validation, security, or power. When their ex walks away, they feel an overwhelming need to reassert dominance—not to reconnect in a healthy way, but to restore their sense of control.

For some, these behaviors stem from deeply ingrained personality disorders or unresolved trauma, but that does not excuse their actions. Change only happens when an individual acknowledges their toxicity and actively works to address it—without forcing their ex to suffer in the process.

Recognizing the Truth and Breaking Free

If you are dealing with an ex who claims to love you while simultaneously making your life difficult, it is crucial to recognize their actions for what they are: manipulation. No amount of professed love can excuse abusive behavior. True love respects boundaries, values emotional well-being, and does not require control.

To fully break free, consider the following steps:

• Go No Contact – Cut off all forms of communication if possible. Block their number, emails, and social media accounts.
• Seek Legal Protection – If the harassment continues, seek a restraining order or legal recourse.
• Inform Trusted Friends and Family – Having a support system helps prevent isolation and manipulation.
• Document Everything – Keep records of harassment, financial abuse, or threats in case legal action is needed.
• Prioritize Your Healing – Therapy, support groups, and self-care are essential in reclaiming your life from an abuser’s grip.

Final Thoughts

Words are easy to say, but love is shown through actions. If an ex continues toxic behaviors while claiming to love you, their words are nothing more than a deceptive script designed to pull you back into their web of control. Understanding this distinction allows you to protect yourself, move forward, and reclaim your peace. Love should never come with fear, manipulation, or abuse—only with respect, kindness, and the freedom to live life on your own terms.