Abusers can have empathy, but whether they use it is another story.

1. Some Abusers Lack Empathy Entirely

Some abusers—especially those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), or psychopathic traits—lack true emotional empathy. They don’t feel guilt or remorse for hurting others because they don’t connect with others’ emotions in a meaningful way. Instead, they may show cognitive empathy, meaning they understand emotions but only use that knowledge to manipulate or control.

Signs of a lack of empathy in an abuser:

• No remorse for their actions, even when confronted with the harm they’ve caused.
• A history of repeated, intentional emotional or physical harm.
• Gaslighting, manipulation, and blame-shifting to avoid accountability.

2. Some Abusers Have Selective Empathy

Other abusers do have empathy but choose when and how to use it. This is often the case in relationships where the abuser can be charming, loving, or attentive when they want to be but cruel, dismissive, or violent at other times.

Selective empathy looks like:

• Acting loving and caring when they need something.
• Being kind in public but cruel behind closed doors.
• Comforting others (like friends or colleagues) but ignoring their partner’s pain.

3. Some Abusers Have Empathy but Justify Their Behavior

Some abusers can recognize their partner’s pain but still rationalize their actions. They might say:

• “You made me do this.”
• “I wouldn’t have yelled if you hadn’t pushed me.”
• “I had a bad childhood, so this is just how I am.”

This kind of abuser is aware of the pain they cause but refuses to take responsibility for it. They may even use their own past pain to excuse their harmful behavior.

4. Many Abusers Use Fake Empathy to Manipulate

Abusers are often great at pretending to be empathetic when it serves their interests. They may:

• Apologize and promise change (but never follow through).
• Cry, beg, or act remorseful when they feel they’re losing control.
• Mirror their victim’s emotions to create false closeness before returning to abuse.

This can create trauma bonds, where the victim feels like the abuser does care, making it harder to leave. But real empathy requires consistent actions, not just words.

The Key Question: Do They Change?

The real test of empathy is whether someone cares enough to stop hurting others.

• Someone with true empathy will recognize their harmful behavior, take responsibility, and work to change.
• An abuser who refuses to acknowledge the pain they cause or keeps making excuses is showing you who they truly are.

Final Thought

Whether an abuser has empathy or not, what matters most is how they treat you.
You don’t need to stay in a relationship hoping they’ll develop empathy or suddenly care—you deserve kindness, respect, and love now, not “someday.”

Have you seen any of these patterns in someone you’ve dealt with? 💛