An important and painful truth to recognize: you can’t always rely on the abuser’s family for support, even if you’ve been kind, generous, or supportive to them in the past. Many survivors hope that the family members of the abuser—especially those they’ve built relationships with—will stand up for them or offer help. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
Why the Abuser’s Family May Not Support You
- Loyalty to the Abuser: Family dynamics can run deep, and many family members feel a sense of obligation to defend their relative, no matter how wrong their behavior is.
- Shared Beliefs or Toxic Patterns: In some cases, the family may share the same toxic values or behaviors as the abuser, normalizing or excusing their actions.
- Denial or Fear: The family might not want to face the truth about the abuser’s actions because it’s uncomfortable or reflects poorly on them. Others may fear becoming the target of the abuser’s wrath themselves.
- Manipulation: Just as the abuser manipulates you, they may also manipulate their family, painting you as the problem or convincing them of lies to justify their behavior.
- Lack of Empathy: Unfortunately, some people simply lack the empathy or courage to intervene, even when they know something is wrong.
How to Protect Yourself
- Adjust Your Expectations: Understand that their family may not be a safe or reliable source of support. Letting go of the expectation that they’ll step up can protect you from additional hurt and disappointment.
- Rely on Neutral or Trusted Allies: Seek support from your own friends, family, or organizations dedicated to helping survivors of abuse. These people are more likely to prioritize your well-being without the conflicting loyalties the abuser’s family might have.
- Limit What You Share: Be cautious about sharing personal information or your plans with the abuser’s family, as they may relay it back to the abuser, intentionally or not.
- Build Your Own Support System: Look for people or groups who truly understand and care. Domestic violence shelters, hotlines, and online support communities can be invaluable resources.
Recognizing Their Silence Says More About Them
It’s heartbreaking when people you’ve supported and cared for don’t return the favor, especially in a time of crisis. But their inaction or lack of empathy isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of their limitations, biases, or dysfunction. You deserve better, and the absence of their support doesn’t diminish your strength or the validity of your experience.
Ultimately, your journey out of the abuse and toward healing is about you. Surround yourself with those who genuinely care, even if they come from outside the circle you initially hoped would help. There are people who will understand, believe, and stand with you as you rebuild.
