his is actually very common — and it has far more to do with neuroscience and attachment systems than with weakness, romance, or “not getting the hint.” Here’s what’s happening in the brain 👇 1. Your brain is responding to loss, not love When someone pulls away or says they don’t want to be with you, the brain… Read More Just Cant Get You Out of My Head
This is called an extinction burst in neuroscience and behavioural psychology. It happens when a behaviour that used to work suddenly stops working. 1️⃣ The Brain Detects Reward Loss When a survivor enforces boundaries or goes silent, the abuser’s brain experiences: 🧠 The brain registers: “My usual strategy has failed.” But it does not interpret this as “stop.” 2️⃣ The… Read More Why Some Abusers Escalate Once More Before Stopping
Abusive dynamics work because the abuser uses another person to: When you go silent: 🧠 ResultThe nervous system loses its external regulator. ➡️ Dysregulation begins internally. 2️⃣ The Brain Encounters Reward Collapse Cruelty and control rely on dopamine prediction: “If I do X, I will get Y (reaction, fear, reassurance, submission).” Silence creates: 🧠 Dopamine drops sharply.This feels… Read More Silence Removes the Regulation Source
Cruelty depends on access.A single boundary works because it removes fuel, not because it teaches insight. 1️⃣ Boundary Enforcement = Circuit Interruption When a survivor enforces a boundary (not explains it, not negotiates it): 🧠 Neurological effect ➡️ The system experiences error, not satisfaction. 2️⃣ Why Silence Collapses the Reward Circuit Cruelty requires: Silence removes all three. What silence does neurologically… Read More How One Enforced Boundary Disrupts the Entire Cruelty Loop
Think of cruelty not as a personality switch, but as a learning loop inside the brain. Stage 1: Initial Threat → Control Response Brain state: Stress + insecurity 🧠 Neural activity ➡️ Cruelty begins as a regulation strategy, not yet a pleasure source. Stage 2: Relief Reinforcement Brain state: “That worked” 🧠 Neural activity ➡️ Cruelty becomes reinforced, even if still justified as… Read More How Cruelty Escalates Neurologically Over Time
Safety is both internal and external, and it can look very different depending on context. Here’s a structured set of examples for survivors of abuse, framed in psychological and nervous-system terms: 1. Physical Safety External environment is secure, predictable, and free from threat. Examples: Nervous-system impact: 2. Emotional Safety You can experience feelings without judgment or manipulation.… Read More Free from Threat
Layer 1: External Safety Goal: Remove immediate threatActions: Nervous System: Amygdala downregulation starts once the environment is reliably safe. Layer 2: Nervous System Recalibration Goal: Teach the body that danger is not constantActions: Nervous System: Parasympathetic activation increases; fight/flight/freeze decreases. Layer 3: Boundary Enforcement Goal: Reclaim autonomyActions: Nervous System: Prefrontal cortex strengthens; amygdala learns that limits = safety.Outcome: Confidence and self-trust begin… Read More Road to Safety: Step-by-Step Framework
Recovering safety after decades of abuse is absolutely possible, but it’s a gradual, nervous-system-centered process, not something that happens overnight. Safety is both internal (how your body and mind respond) and external (your environment, relationships, and boundaries). Here’s a comprehensive framework: 1. Establish External Safety First Before the nervous system can relax, you need to remove ongoing threat. Steps include: Why it… Read More Establish External Safety First
1. Enforcing One Boundary Rewires Safety Faster Than Insight Key idea:Action speaks louder than thought. The brain needs proof, not reasoning. Mechanism: Clinical/Legal translation: Example: 2. Silence as the Final Neurological Boundary Key idea:Silence is not passive. It is active nervous-system regulation. Mechanism: Clinical/Legal translation: Example: 3. How the Brain Knows It’s Safe to Feel Again Key… Read More Neuroscience & Therapeutic Map: Boundaries, Safety, and Recovery
(From Safety → Survival → Shutdown) 1. Initial Boundary Breach Event:A limit is crossed (emotional, physical, psychological, financial, or time-based). Brain response: 🧠 At this stage, the brain expects repair. 2. Boundary Is Ignored or Punished Event:The breach repeats. Apologies don’t match behavior. Limits are mocked, minimised, or punished. Brain response: 🧠 Learning begins here. 3. Survival… Read More How Repeated Boundary Breaches Rewire the Brain
