Abuse is a term that refers to the mistreatment, harm, or infliction of injury on someone, either through physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or other means. Abuse can occur in various contexts, including relationships, families, institutions, and broader social settings. It is a serious violation of an individual’s rights and can have profound and lasting effects on their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.
For years, survivors have carried an impossible burden. “Why didn’t you know?” “Why didn’t you leave?” “Didn’t you see the signs?” The truth is that many abusers do not introduce themselves as violent. They introduce themselves as charming, attentive, generous, funny, and devoted. The coercive control often begins quietly and escalates over time. A publicly… Read More The Past Doesn’t Always Stay in the Past
One of the most frustrating experiences reported by survivors is not only the abuse itself, but the reaction they receive when they finally disclose it. A relative may say: “I doubt he’ll kill you.” “He wouldn’t do that.” “You’re overthinking it.” “Just leave and move on.” Then, when separation or divorce begins, the same relative… Read More I doubt he’ll kill you.
A phenomenon that psychologists sometimes call normalcy bias, optimism bias, and, in some cases, epistemic injustice. When someone finally discloses domestic abuse and hears responses such as: “I doubt he’ll kill you.” “You’ll both meet someone else and move on.” “Every couple argues.” the speaker may think they are being reassuring. However, from a psychological perspective, they may… Read More Epistemic injustice.
The death of Katherine ‘Kat’ Torbick, a 43-year-old nurse and mother from Schaumburg, Illinois. Prosecutors allege that her former boyfriend, Kevin Motykie, subjected her to a prolonged assault that was captured on a recording device found after his arrest. Authorities allege the recording lasted more than seven hours and documented arguments, restraint, violence, and ultimately… Read More Why record it?
Coercive control is often misunderstood because many people imagine abuse as a series of isolated violent incidents. In reality, coercive control is usually a pattern of domination that gradually strips away a person’s freedom, confidence, independence, and sense of self. 1. The abuse develops gradually The relationship may start with affection, attention, promises, and emotional connection. Control… Read More The abuse develops gradually
Three doctors (one in France and two in Spain), three psychologists (one in France and two in Spain), a forensic psychologist in the UK, friends in three countries, and family members all reached the same conclusion. They could not all be wrong. It took many years and many attempts before I finally made the decision… Read More Abuse Assessment Checklist
One of the hardest lessons many people learn in an abusive relationship is that no amount of love, patience, sacrifice, pleading, reasoning, or counselling can force another person to change. You cannot control someone else’s behaviour. You cannot make them stop lying. You cannot make them stop manipulating. You cannot make them stop being verbally,… Read More The One Person You Can Change Is You
One of the most common mistakes people make when trying to understand abusive behaviour is focusing on what the abuser says rather than what they consistently do. When someone has experienced emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse, they are often encouraged to focus on the latest apology, excuse, promise, or explanation. However, the real answers… Read More Look at the Patterns, Not the Promises
One of the biggest mistakes people make in abusive relationships is believing they can change, heal, rescue, or fix the person who is abusing them. It is an understandable belief, especially when you care deeply for someone and can see the pain, trauma, or difficulties that may lie beneath their behaviour. However, experience and research… Read More You Cannot Fix an Abuser
For much of my life, I believed that having an affair under any circumstances was completely wrong. It seemed like a clear-cut issue with no exceptions. However, after healing from abuse and working closely with psychologists and trauma specialists, my understanding of human behaviour has become far more nuanced. To be clear, this is not… Read More Understanding Why Some Women Seek Comfort Elsewhere During an Abusive Relationship
