Here’s what’s happening under the hood.
1. Christmas increases attachment demand → avoidant brains feel threat
Christmas activates:
- expectations of closeness,
- future-oriented thinking (“Where is this going?”),
- social visibility (family, friends, plans),
- implicit commitment signals.
For someone with an avoidant or emotionally immature attachment system, this triggers the amygdala (threat detection), not bonding.
Their brain interprets Christmas as:
“I’m about to be seen, expected, or required.”
So instead of moving closer, their nervous system moves away.
2. Deactivation strategies switch on automatically
Avoidant brains use deactivation to regulate anxiety. These are non-conscious, fast, protective behaviours driven by the nervous system.
Common deactivation behaviours include:
- delayed replies or sudden silence,
- vagueness about plans,
- emotional flatness,
- “busy,” “overwhelmed,” or “not in the right headspace” language,
- disappearing without explanation.
This is not thoughtful decision-making — it’s limbic system override.
3. Cognitive dissonance peaks at holidays
If someone is:
- enjoying intimacy,
- benefiting from emotional or physical closeness,
- but has no intention of real commitment,
Christmas forces a conflict between behaviour and identity.
To reduce that discomfort, the brain chooses the path of least resistance:
distance instead of honesty.
Avoidance is neurologically cheaper than integrity.
4. People running double lives often unravel at Christmas
From a neuroscience and behavioural standpoint, Christmas:
- increases scheduling pressure,
- exposes inconsistencies,
- demands alignment across social spheres.
Men who are:
- emotionally unavailable,
- seeing multiple people,
- hiding parts of their life,
- or misrepresenting themselves,
often go evasive because the prefrontal cortex (planning, truth maintenance) is overloaded.
Evasion = containment of risk.
5. Trauma-bond dynamics intensify withdrawal
If the relationship already has:
- intermittent reinforcement,
- push–pull patterns,
- hot–cold behaviour,
Christmas withdrawal hits harder because your dopamine and oxytocin systems were primed for closeness.
Your distress is not “overreaction” — it’s a predictable neurochemical crash caused by sudden emotional withdrawal.
6. What this tells you about them
Neuroscientifically, it suggests:
- poor emotional regulation,
- low tolerance for relational accountability,
- avoidance of future-oriented bonding,
- reliance on withdrawal instead of communication.
It does not suggest:
- you asked for too much,
- you misread the connection,
- you caused the shift.
7. Your nervous system knows before your mind does
If you felt:
- unease,
- a sinking feeling,
- confusion mixed with longing,
- the urge to “wait it out” or self-blame,
that’s your insula and vagus nerve detecting relational threat.
Ignoring that signal is how people end up stuck in destabilising dynamics.
One grounding truth
Someone whose nervous system shuts down at intimacy milestones is not capable of providing safety — no matter how charming they were before.
Consistency is a nervous-system capacity, not a personality trait.
