A Familiar Question and What It Reveals About How We Communicate
We’ve all heard it before: “Are you asking me, or are you telling me?” It’s a question that can catch us off guard in the middle of a conversation, making us stop and think about the intent behind the words being spoken. But why does this simple question hold so much weight, and what does it reveal about how we communicate with one another?
The Power Behind the Question
At its core, “Are you asking me or telling me?” is a query about control and expectations. When we ask this question, we’re often sensing that there’s more happening than just a casual exchange of information. We’re questioning whether the person speaking is truly seeking our input or if they’re simply directing us to agree with them or follow their lead.
This question surfaces when one person feels that the conversation is veering into a one-sided territory, or when they sense that their role is being minimized to that of an audience rather than an active participant. In these moments, this familiar question is a gentle—and sometimes not so gentle—reminder that communication should be a two-way street.
What It Reveals About Us
On a deeper level, this question reflects our internal need for autonomy and respect. It signals that we value being heard and understood, and we’re not just interested in being told what to think or how to act. When we’re asked to respond, we want our voices to matter, not just echo the thoughts of someone else.
Here’s where it gets interesting: this question can reveal a lot about the dynamic in the conversation. Is one person leading while the other is simply following? Or is there a true exchange happening where both parties can offer their perspectives and listen to each other?
Example #1:
Person A: “You should really consider taking that job. It’s a great opportunity.”
Person B: “Are you asking me, or telling me?”
In this case, Person B might feel that Person A is trying to push them into a decision without actually leaving room for discussion. It’s a reminder that advice is fine, but it needs to come with respect for the other person’s ability to make their own choices.
Example #2:
Person A: “I was thinking we should go for a hike this weekend. What do you think?”
Person B: “Oh, that sounds great! I’ve been wanting to get outdoors more.”
Here, the question “What do you think?” invites genuine input, showing that Person A values Person B’s opinion. This is a conversation where the exchange is balanced, and both voices are heard.
When We Feel the Need to Ask
So, when does this question pop up in our daily conversations? Often, it arises when we feel that someone is taking over the conversation or pushing their agenda. For example:
- When someone gives us instructions disguised as advice or suggestions.
- When a person doesn’t leave space for our opinion or isn’t truly interested in hearing it.
- When expectations are being placed on us without regard for our preferences or autonomy.
Asking “Are you asking me, or telling me?” is our way of reclaiming space in the conversation and asserting our right to be active participants. It’s a way of drawing attention to the dynamic at play and shifting it toward a more respectful, balanced exchange.
The Importance of Genuine Dialogue
The question reminds us that communication is not about control but about connection. Whether in personal relationships, professional settings, or even casual exchanges, the most meaningful interactions are those where both parties feel valued and heard.
If we’re always being spoken at or told what to do, we may begin to feel dismissed, unseen, or powerless. However, when we are invited to participate in a conversation where both sides listen and respond, the connection grows deeper, more authentic, and more enriching.
This article explores the common question, “Are you asking me or telling me?” and what it says about the need for respect and balance in communication. It reminds us that we should aim for conversations that are collaborative, where everyone’s voice counts.
