The Two Faces of Vindictiveness: When Bitterness Becomes a Way of Life
Some people go through life holding onto every grudge, every perceived slight, and every opportunity to hurt others from the shadows. They wear a mask of civility, playing the role of the charming and agreeable person in public, while behind closed doors, they scheme, plot, and lash out in bitterness. This is the story of someone whose life revolved around revenge, resentment, and the need to ‘take people down’—a man who could have been kind but instead chose to be cruel.
His vindictiveness knew no limits. Before his daughter’s wedding, instead of celebrating, he was busy writing letters—letters filled with anger, resentment, and the need to cause damage. He wrote to his ex-wife, spewing bitterness rather than love. Instead of embracing the joy of a family occasion, he found reasons to turn it into another opportunity for conflict.
But that wasn’t enough. He directed his need for control and punishment toward others, too—writing to the tax authorities about my daughter’s ex-husband, trying to create problems for him long after their marriage had ended. It was never about justice or fairness. It was about power, about control, about a relentless desire to bring others down.
His grudges lasted for years, even against family. He refused to speak to his own aunt for something said long ago, cutting people off without a second thought. There was no room for forgiveness, only bitterness.
His ex-wife suffered his cruelty firsthand, enduring years of emotional and psychological abuse before she finally gathered the strength to leave. But that wasn’t the end of it—far from it. He couldn’t accept that she had escaped. Instead of moving on, he launched a smear campaign against her, twisting the narrative, painting himself as the victim, and ensuring that anyone who would listen heard his version of events. He couldn’t stand that she had broken free, so he did everything he could to destroy her reputation.
The contrast between his public persona and private reality was stark. To outsiders, he seemed pleasant, maybe even charming. But in truth, he was consumed by the need for revenge. His mind was always focused on ways to punish, to undermine, to ‘get back’ at people he felt had wronged him—even if the only thing they had done was refuse to tolerate his cruelty.
One day, I said to him: If you put as much effort into being nice as you do into being nasty and vindictive, you might actually be a good person. It was the truth. He spent endless hours plotting and seething, when he could have chosen kindness, forgiveness, or growth. But he didn’t. He clung to his bitterness as if it defined him—because, in many ways, it did.
Vindictive people believe they are winning when they hurt others. But in reality, they are losing. They lose the ability to form real, meaningful relationships. They lose the respect of those around them. And ultimately, they lose themselves in their own hatred.
The world is filled with opportunities to be better, to rise above pain and anger, and to build something meaningful. But for some, the choice is never made. Instead, they remain trapped in a cycle of revenge and cruelty—a cycle that, in the end, destroys them more than anyone else.
