When a marriage ends, whether through separation, divorce, or even the passing of time, a common question arises: What will you miss the most? It’s a natural assumption that, after years or even decades together, there must be irreplaceable elements—shared experiences, deep conversations, or even the simple comfort of presence. But what happens when you sit down, reflect, and realize that there’s little, if anything, to actually miss?
The Illusion of Togetherness
During a recent session with my psychologist, I was asked a direct yet revealing question: What will you miss?
At first, I expected the usual sentimental answers to surface: companionship, shared hobbies, deep conversations, or small, intimate gestures. But as we went through them one by one, the reality became starkly clear.
- Engaging conversations? No, they were absent.
- Shared hobbies? No, we didn’t have them.
- Emotional support when I was upset? No, that wasn’t part of our relationship.
- Simple acts of care, like cooking when I had a hard day? No.
- Spending evenings together watching TV? No, not really.
- Weekend outings, Sunday lunches? No, those weren’t a thing.
- Long walks together? Rarely.
- Watching a movie together? Occasionally, but not in a way that felt meaningful.
I found myself searching, trying to pinpoint something I would genuinely miss, something that would leave a void in my life now that the marriage was over. But the truth hit me: There wasn’t much to miss at all.
When Loneliness Exists Within a Marriage
Realizing you won’t actually miss someone after years together is a sobering, yet liberating, moment. It forces you to confront the fact that you were not just alone now, but that you had been alone for a long time—perhaps even throughout the relationship.
We often cling to routines and familiarity, mistaking them for love or companionship. Sitting beside someone in the same room doesn’t mean connection. Being legally bound doesn’t mean being emotionally bonded. Walking the dog together once in a while doesn’t equate to shared joy.
The Truth About Grief and Moving On
One of the hardest parts of ending a long-term relationship isn’t missing the person, but coming to terms with the years spent waiting for something that never came. The grief isn’t about losing a loving partner—it’s about losing the illusion of what you thought it could be.
But there’s power in this realization. Because once you see the truth, you can stop romanticizing the past. You can let go—not just of the person, but of the weight of disappointment, of unfulfilled expectations, of the years spent hoping for a connection that never fully materialized.
What Do I Actually Miss?
It turns out, I don’t miss the relationship—I miss the idea of what I wanted it to be. I miss the potential of what it could have been if only it had been different. But I do not miss him. I do not miss us. And that distinction makes all the difference.
Because now, I am free. Free to build a life where companionship is real, where connection is meaningful, and where I no longer have to pretend that emptiness is enough.
And that? That is something I will never miss.
