Why Would Someone Admit to Infidelity and Stay in the Marriage?

When someone tells their spouse they have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) yet chooses to remain in the marriage, it creates a deeply painful and confusing dynamic. This situation often involves betrayal, emotional neglect, and an utter disregard for the principles of respect and commitment that a marriage is built upon. It reflects a complex mixture of selfishness, indecision, and avoidance of responsibility.

Here’s a breakdown of the behaviors, the impact on everyone involved, and advice for handling such a situation:

1. Why Would Someone Admit to Infidelity and Stay in the Marriage?

While every situation is unique, certain patterns and motivations tend to explain this behavior:

A. Control and Manipulation

What They Do: They reveal the affair to relieve their own guilt or assert dominance in the relationship.
Why It’s Harmful: Instead of taking accountability and ending the marriage, they force the betrayed spouse to endure the pain while maintaining control.

B. Fear of Change

What Drives It: They fear losing the stability, financial benefits, or social status tied to the marriage.
Why It’s Harmful: This approach uses the spouse as a safety net while they pursue someone else.

C. Emotional Paralysis

What Drives It: They’re conflicted between the history and obligations of the marriage and the excitement or fulfillment of the affair.
Why It’s Harmful: Instead of resolving their inner conflict, they leave their spouse to suffer the consequences of their indecision.

D. Justifying Their Behavior

What They Tell Themselves: “I’ve been unhappy in this marriage for years,” or “I deserve to be happy too.”
Why It’s Harmful: These rationalizations shift blame onto the spouse, ignoring their own accountability and breaking the marriage vows.

E. Selfishness

What Drives It: They want the best of both worlds—a committed spouse to fulfill certain roles (e.g., co-parent, homemaker) and a romantic partner to satisfy their desires.
Why It’s Harmful: This is exploitative and deeply disrespectful to the spouse, disregarding their emotional well-being.

2. The Impact on the Betrayed Spouse

The betrayed spouse experiences an intense emotional fallout that can be devastating. Here are some common reactions and challenges:

A. Emotional Trauma

Feelings of Betrayal: The knowledge of an affair can shatter trust and leave the betrayed spouse feeling devalued and humiliated.
Shame and Self-Doubt: Many wonder, “What did I do wrong?” or “Am I not good enough?”
Anger and Resentment: Knowing the spouse refuses to leave despite having a girlfriend can cause immense frustration.

B. Feeling Trapped

Practical Constraints: The betrayed spouse may feel they can’t leave due to finances, children, or cultural expectations.
Emotional Ambivalence: Love, history, and hope for change may keep them tethered to the marriage, even when it’s toxic.

C. Erosion of Self-Esteem

Constant comparison to the “other person” can destroy the betrayed spouse’s confidence and sense of self-worth.

3. Red Flags in This Situation

If someone admits to infidelity but stays in the marriage, their behavior may reveal further warning signs:

A. Avoidance of Accountability

What to Look For: They show little remorse or avoid meaningful conversations about their actions.
Why It Matters: True accountability involves recognizing the pain they’ve caused and taking steps to repair or leave the marriage respectfully.

B. Gaslighting or Minimization

What to Look For: Statements like, “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re overreacting.”
Why It Matters: This minimizes the betrayed spouse’s feelings and invalidates their pain.

C. Continuing the Affair

What to Look For: They make no effort to cut ties with the girlfriend and instead try to justify the arrangement.
Why It Matters: This signals a lack of commitment to the marriage or the healing process.

4. Why Staying in the Marriage After an Affair Is Harmful

Remaining in the marriage while openly pursuing an affair is not only disrespectful but also emotionally abusive. Here’s why:

A. Prolonged Emotional Pain

The betrayed spouse is left in a state of limbo, unable to heal or move forward while the other person refuses to make a clear decision.

B. Power Imbalance

By staying in the marriage on their terms, the unfaithful partner creates a dynamic where they hold all the control.

C. Erosion of Trust

Even if the marriage survives in the short term, trust will remain fundamentally broken unless both partners commit to honest communication and healing.

5. What to Do If You’re the Betrayed Spouse

If you’re in this situation, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and make decisions that align with your self-respect and values.

A. Take Time to Process

Allow yourself to grieve and process the betrayal without rushing into any decisions.
Seek emotional support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist.

B. Set Clear Boundaries

Express your needs and expectations for the relationship.
Example: “If you want to stay in this marriage, you need to end the affair immediately and seek counseling with me.”

C. Evaluate Their Actions, Not Just Words

Pay attention to whether they’re making an effort to repair the relationship (e.g., ending the affair, showing remorse, going to therapy).
If they continue to justify or pursue the affair, it’s a clear sign they’re not committed to rebuilding the marriage.

D. Consider Your Options

Reflect on whether staying in the marriage aligns with your values, emotional health, and long-term happiness.
Know that leaving is a valid and courageous choice if the situation becomes intolerable.

6. What to Do If You’re the One Who Cheated

If you’re in the position of the unfaithful spouse and want to repair the damage, here’s what you must do:

A. End the Affair Immediately

Continuing the affair while staying in the marriage is not only disrespectful but also sabotages any chance of healing.

B. Take Full Accountability

Admit your wrongdoing without making excuses. Apologize sincerely and acknowledge the pain you’ve caused.

C. Commit to Transparency

Rebuilding trust will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to answer difficult questions from your spouse.

D. Seek Professional Help

Individual and couples therapy can provide a safe space to address underlying issues and work toward healing.

7. Final Thoughts

A marriage cannot thrive—or even survive—when one partner openly betrays the other while refusing to make a decisive, respectful choice. Admitting to an affair but staying in the marriage is an act of emotional cowardice and selfishness. Both partners deserve clarity, respect, and the opportunity to find happiness—whether that’s through rebuilding trust or parting ways.

If you find yourself in this situation, remember: you deserve honesty, love, and respect in all your relationships.Don’t settle for less. Whether you choose to stay or leave, prioritize your emotional health, self-respect, and long-term happiness.