Many people wonder if someone who engages in long-term abusive behavior is aware that their thinking and behavior are different from most people’s. Neuroscience and trauma research suggest the answer is complex:
- Awareness varies
Some long-term abusers may have partial awareness that their reactions, control strategies, or emotional patterns are not typical. They might notice others handle conflict differently, or that their own relationships are strained. - Distorted self-perception
Years of entrenched abusive patterns often create cognitive distortions:- Minimising harm (“It wasn’t that bad”)
- Justifying behavior (“Anyone would do the same”)
- Reversing roles (“I’m the real victim”)
These distortions protect the abuser’s identity and make full self-awareness difficult.
- Neurological reinforcement
Abuse often becomes a default operating system in the brain. Neural pathways are shaped over years to:- Regulate distress through control
- Offload shame through blame
- Preserve identity through denial
This makes thinking and behaving differently from others automatic, even if partially noticed.
- Insight doesn’t equal change
Some abusers may recognize differences in themselves yet fail to change because insight alone does not rewire the brain. Change requires:- Long-term therapy
- Accountability
- Willingness to tolerate shame without deflecting
- Real behavior change under stress, not just in comfort
- Behavior versus perception
Abusers may see themselves as normal or justified, while others perceive them as controlling, cruel, or manipulative. Awareness is often incomplete, and distorted patterns persist without external intervention.
Takeaway:
Some abusers partially notice they think and act differently, but cognitive distortions, entrenched neural patterns, and defensive self-protection often prevent full recognition or meaningful change without intentional, long-term work.
