Coercive control is not just about one-on-one abuse. One of its most insidious tactics is using families and close networks as extensions of the abuse, often without them realizing it.
1. Shaping the narrative
Abusers often influence families to accept a distorted version of events:
- Minimizing the abuse (“it wasn’t that bad”)
- Blaming the victim (“they’re difficult” or “overreacting”)
- Emphasizing loyalty or family reputation over safety
This framing makes families unwittingly reinforce the abuser’s control, rather than challenge it.
2. Outsourcing surveillance and control
Families may be encouraged — subtly or directly — to:
- Monitor the victim’s behavior
- Discourage reporting or seeking help
- Pressure reconciliation
- Relay information back to the abuser
The abuser no longer needs to directly enforce control; the family becomes a proxy.
3. Shrinking the victim’s world
When families minimize or silence abuse:
- The victim’s social support diminishes
- Isolation increases, which amplifies fear and helplessness
- Opportunities to seek help or escape safely are reduced
4. Psychological impact on the victim
- Increased self-doubt and guilt
- Heightened fear of speaking out
- Delayed escape and higher risk of escalation
5. Key insight
Coercive control spreads by leveraging trust, loyalty, and concern. Families can unintentionally reinforce abuse when they prioritize comfort, reputation, or cohesion over safety.
Takeaway: Abuse is not neutralized by keeping it “private.”
Support and intervention are the only ways to break the cycle safely.
