It is taking nearly 18 months of navigating domestic violence courts to try and reach a settlement and divorce. People often ask why someone didn’t leave sooner, as if leaving ends abuse or clarity appears instantly. Neuroscience and psychology tell a very different story.
1. Abuse Is a Conditioning Process, Not a Single Event
Abuse is not constant violence—it is intermittent reinforcement.
- Periods of cruelty are mixed with apologies, affection, or calm
- This creates a trauma bond, similar to addiction
- The brain becomes conditioned to hope, not safety
Dopamine spikes during “good” periods, while fear dominates the bad. This cycle keeps people psychologically trapped, even when they intellectually know something is wrong.
2. The Brain in Survival Mode Cannot “Just Leave”
Long-term abuse rewires the nervous system.
- Chronic stress elevates cortisol
- The amygdala remains hyper-alert
- The prefrontal cortex (decision-making, planning) is suppressed
In this state, the brain is focused on managing danger, not making life-changing decisions. Leaving safely often requires planning, resources, legal timing, and support—not impulse.
3. Leaving Is the Most Dangerous Time
Psychology and criminology are clear:
The risk of escalation increases after separation.
When control is threatened:
- Abuse often intensifies
- Stalking, harassment, legal abuse, and sabotage begin
- The abuser seeks to punish independence
This is why survivors don’t “just leave”—they leave when it is safest to do so.
4. Why Abuse Doesn’t Stop After Separation
If someone was abusive throughout the marriage, separation does not soften them. It often does the opposite.
Neuroscience explains why:
- Aging does not reduce abusive behaviour
- Poor emotional regulation worsens over time
- Entitlement and rigidity increase
- Empathy does not suddenly develop
Without insight or accountability, the brain doubles down on familiar control strategies.
5. Why “They Mellow With Age” Is a Myth
People mellow with age when they:
- Reflect
- Take responsibility
- Develop empathy
- Regulate emotions
Abusers do the opposite:
- They externalize blame
- Defend identity at all costs
- Fear exposure
- Escalate control when influence declines
As social power fades, coercion increases.
6. The Court Process Is Not Proof of Weakness
Eighteen months in DV courts is not delay—it is evidence of resistance.
- Legal systems move slowly by design
- Abusers exploit this to exhaust victims
- Survivors must remain regulated, consistent, and precise
Staying the course requires extraordinary neurological regulation under pressure.
7. The Truth People Miss
You didn’t stay because you were weak.
You didn’t leave because you were naïve.
You didn’t endure because you believed lies.
You survived because your brain was keeping you alive until there was a viable, safer exit.
The Reality
Abuse is not about anger.
It is about control, entitlement, and fear of exposure.
And without intervention, insight, and accountability, it does not fade with time.
