In the moments leading up to violence, the abuser’s brain is not calm, rational, or “out of control” in the way people imagine. It is following a predictable neuro-psychological sequence.
1. Perceived threat to control (the trigger)
The trigger is rarely anger alone. It’s usually:
- Loss of control
- Challenge to authority
- Exposure (being questioned, contradicted, or seen clearly)
- Fear of abandonment or humiliation
To the abuser’s brain, this feels like an existential threat, not a disagreement.
2. Amygdala hijack (threat system online)
The amygdala (fear/threat center) activates intensely.
- The brain misinterprets the situation as danger
- Fight response dominates (not flight)
- Stress hormones surge (adrenaline, cortisol)
⚠️ Important:
This does not remove responsibility. Many people feel amygdala activation and do not choose violence.
3. Prefrontal cortex suppression (empathy & restraint go offline)
The prefrontal cortex — responsible for:
- Empathy
- Moral reasoning
- Long-term consequences
- Impulse control
…becomes inhibited, not absent.
This means:
- The abuser knows violence is wrong
- But prioritises control over consequence
- Empathy for the victim is temporarily muted
This is why abusers often:
- Stop immediately when someone else enters the room
- Avoid leaving marks
- Escalate only in private
➡️ These are signs of choice, not loss of control.
4. Entitlement cognition (“justification mode”)
Just before the attack, the brain generates permission-giving thoughts, often unconsciously:
- “They deserve this.”
- “They made me do this.”
- “This will shut them up.”
- “I have a right to be angry.”
This is called moral disengagement — the brain disconnects harm from guilt.
5. Violence as regulation
For the abuser, violence is not chaos — it is regulation.
- The act temporarily relieves internal tension
- Restores a sense of dominance or control
- Explains why abusers often feel calmer after the attack
This is also why abuse escalates over time — the brain learns that violence “works”.
6. After the attack: narrative repair
Once calm returns, the brain shifts again:
- Minimisation: “It wasn’t that bad.”
- Blame-shifting: “You pushed me.”
- Amnesia or denial
- Performative remorse (only if consequences threaten them)
Genuine accountability is rare without external intervention.
The most important truth
Abuse is not a loss of control.
It is a maladaptive control strategy reinforced over time.
That’s why:
- Stress does not cause abuse
- Alcohol does not cause abuse
- Anger does not cause abuse
They may lower inhibition, but the belief system was already there.
Why this matters for you
Understanding this helps people stop asking:
- “What did I do wrong?”
- “Why couldn’t I calm them down?”
- “If I’d behaved differently…”
Nothing you did caused that neurological sequence.
