USING CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO CONCEAL DOMESTIC ABUSE IS PSYCHOLOGICAL HARM

One of the most disturbing dynamics in abusive relationships is when children or grandchildren are drawn into the abuse — not as witnesses to be protected, but as tools to hide it.

This happens when an abuser:
• Asks children to lie
• Coaches them on what to say
• Uses them to deliver messages
• Positions them as “proof” that everything is normal
• Pressures them to defend or protect the abuser

From a psychological perspective, this is coercive control — not parenting.

Children are neurologically and emotionally incapable of carrying adult responsibility. When they are asked to lie or keep secrets, it creates toxic loyalty conflicts in the developing brain.

The child learns:
• Love requires silence
• Safety depends on compliance
• Truth leads to punishment or abandonment

This wiring does not disappear with age.

Neuroscience shows that chronic exposure to secrecy and fear activates the stress response system, altering emotional regulation, memory processing, and trust formation. Children raised in these environments are at higher risk of anxiety disorders, dissociation, people‑pleasing, and difficulty setting boundaries in adulthood.

Involving grandchildren adds another layer of harm. It extends the abuse across generations, normalising manipulation as “family loyalty” and teaching that protecting adults matters more than protecting truth.

This is not protecting family.
This is enlisting children as shields.

No child should ever be responsible for managing an adult’s behaviour, reputation, or legal consequences.

Real accountability protects children from harm.
Abuse protects itself by recruiting silence.

If you are witnessing this — or have lived through it — know this:
The responsibility was never yours.
And speaking the truth is not betrayal.