Let’s get one thing very clear.

Illness — physical or mental — does NOT excuse abuse.
Cancer does not excuse abuse.
Grief does not excuse abuse.
Stress does not excuse abuse.
Trauma does not excuse abuse.

From a psychological standpoint, this is not controversial.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not a symptom of illness.

🔹 Coercive Control (Stark)
Abuse is defined by ongoing patterns of domination: intimidation, monitoring, isolation, degradation, and fear.
Illness may coexist with abuse — but it does not cause coercive control.
Control is intentional, strategic, and selective.

🔹 Attribution Theory
Abusers and enablers often externalise responsibility:
“I was ill.”
“I was grieving.”
“I was under pressure.”
This shifts blame away from behaviour and onto circumstances —
a classic misattribution that protects the perpetrator and silences the victim.

🔹 Moral Disengagement (Bandura)
Abuse is maintained through justifications that neutralise guilt:
• “I didn’t mean it.”
• “I was unwell.”
• “Anyone would react like that.”
These narratives allow harm without accountability.

Psychology is clear:
Millions of people experience illness, loss, depression, anxiety, and trauma —
and do not abuse others.

If someone becomes cruel, controlling, or violent during hardship,
the hardship did not cause the abuse —
it revealed pre-existing entitlement and beliefs.

Empathy does not require self-erasure.
Compassion does not require tolerating harm.

You can acknowledge suffering
without excusing abuse.

Abuse is abuse —
no diagnoses, no disclaimers, no justifications.

— Linda

🔴 Discomfort with this message often signals how deeply we are trained to excuse harm.