- Avoidant attachment = fear of intimacy → unconscious withdrawal to regulate anxiety
- Deception = conscious concealment → strategic withdrawal to avoid exposure
Both withdraw.
Only one is driven by fear rather than intent.
2. What’s happening in the brain
Avoidant attachment (threat-regulation)
- Amygdala detects closeness as danger
- Anterior cingulate cortex dampens emotional awareness
- Prefrontal cortex disengages (“I don’t feel anything / I need space”)
- Behaviour is fast, reflexive, poorly articulated
They often don’t fully know why they pull away.
Deception (risk-management)
- Prefrontal cortex is very active
- Ongoing inhibitory control to maintain a story
- High cognitive load (tracking lies, schedules, narratives)
- Withdrawal is timed, selective, and purposeful
They know exactly why they are evasive.
3. Behavioural markers you can actually observe
Avoidant attachment tends to look like:
- Pulling away when things get closer across all relationships
- Vague but emotionally consistent explanations (“I feel overwhelmed”)
- Discomfort with labels, planning, or emotional language
- Relief after distancing, followed by no dramatic cover-up
- Withdrawal that is clumsy, not strategic
They may:
- struggle to articulate feelings,
- acknowledge they are bad at relationships,
- show genuine confusion or shame.
Deception tends to look like:
- Evasion around specific times (holidays, weekends, nights)
- Inconsistencies in stories or availability
- Overly polished explanations
- Defensiveness when asked neutral questions
- Selective transparency (some topics open, others locked)
They may:
- accuse you of being “insecure”,
- change communication platforms,
- disappear when accountability is required.
4. The Christmas clue (very important)
- Avoidant attachment → withdrawal because expectation of closeness feels threatening
- Deception → withdrawal because logistics and exposure risk increase
Ask yourself:
Is the avoidance about intimacy, or about being seen?
That answer matters.
5. How they respond to a calm, non-accusatory check-in
This is one of the clearest differentiators.
If you say:
“I’ve noticed distance lately, especially with Christmas coming up. I just want to understand where we’re at.”
Avoidant response:
- Looks uncomfortable
- Struggles with words
- May admit fear, confusion, or emotional shutdown
- Might ask for space but doesn’t gaslight
- Response feels human, not rehearsed
Deceptive response:
- Deflects or reframes (“You’re reading too much into it”)
- Minimises your feelings
- Gets irritated or flips the blame
- Avoids answering the actual question
- Response feels strategic, not vulnerable
6. What matters more than the label
Here’s the most important part:
Even avoidant attachment, if unmanaged, is not safe for someone who:
- has experienced abuse,
- is healing from trauma,
- needs emotional consistency.
Intent does not equal impact.
A nervous system that disconnects at milestones cannot offer relational safety — whether it’s fear-based or deceptive.
7. A protecting truth (not a judgment)
If someone’s nervous system goes offline when closeness increases, you will end up doing the regulating for both of you.
That’s exhausting — and it recreates trauma patterns.
8. A simple internal decision rule
You don’t need certainty about why they withdrew. Ask instead:
- Do they communicate clearly?
- Do words and behaviour align?
- Do I feel calmer or more anxious over time?
Your body already knows the answer.
