What real support feels like (not perfect, but safe)
Supportive friends and family tend to:
- believe you without cross-examining
- listen without rushing you to “move on”
- respect your boundaries with your ex
- offer practical help (lifts, paperwork, meals, childcare)
- stay consistent — not just in the crisis week
They don’t need the full story. Belief and steadiness matter more than details.
Why accepting support can feel so hard after abuse
If you’ve lived with coercive control, your nervous system may:
- feel guilty for “burdening” people,
- minimise what you’ve been through,
- expect support to be withdrawn suddenly,
- feel exposed or ashamed when cared for.
That isn’t independence — it’s conditioned self-silencing.
Letting safe people help is part of healing, not a failure.
Different roles people can play (no one person does it all)
It helps to spread support:
- Listener – someone who can hear your feelings
- Practical helper – errands, admin, transport
- Anchor – calm presence, no problem-solving
- Protector – someone who will set boundaries with you
Expecting one person to meet every need can lead to disappointment.
When support is imperfect (and that’s common)
Some people:
- want to help but don’t understand trauma,
- get uncomfortable with anger or grief,
- try to “fix” instead of listen,
- drift away when things take longer than expected.
This hurts — but it doesn’t invalidate your experience.
Support doesn’t have to be flawless to be meaningful.
How to ask for what you need (without over-explaining)
Simple, clear asks work best:
- “I don’t need advice — I just need someone to listen.”
- “Could you check in with me on Christmas Day?”
- “Can you help me with this form? I’m overwhelmed.”
- “Please don’t pass messages from my ex.”
You are allowed to be specific.
Protecting yourself from unhelpful “support”
It’s okay to step back from people who:
- pressure you to reconcile,
- minimise the abuse,
- share your story without consent,
- prioritise family harmony over your safety.
Distance can be a form of self-care.
A grounding truth
You survived isolation once. You do not have to do it again.
Being supported doesn’t erase your strength — it reveals it.
If you’d like, I can:
- help you draft a short message asking for support,
- help you decide who is safe for what,
- help you handle family members who mean well but hurt,
- or help you plan Christmas with support built in, not as an afterthought.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
