Step 1: Identify the Fantasy
Ask yourself if you’re romanticizing or amplifying any of these:
- Thinking they are “perfect” or only have good qualities.
- Believing this time will be different without evidence.
- Imagining scenarios that never happened or ignoring past harm.
- Assigning motives or intentions that are positive without proof.
- Feeling “destined” or “fated” for this relationship.
Step 2: Ground in Reality
Counter each fantasy with reality checks:
- What are the actual behaviors I’ve observed?
- Have patterns of harm or neglect repeated before?
- Is this attraction based on biology/chemistry rather than compatibility or safety?
- Am I overlooking red flags because I want it to be true?
- What objective evidence exists that this is a healthy relationship?
Step 3: Affirm Recovery Priorities
Use these affirmations as reality anchors:
- “I am healing; I don’t need to relive old patterns.”
- “This attraction is temporary chemistry; acting on it may impede recovery.”
- “My well-being and boundaries are my top priority.”
- “I can feel desire without acting; I am safe and in control.”
- “I am learning to trust myself and my judgment.”
Step 4: Action Steps
- Journal the fantasy thought and write the reality check next to it.
- Take a dopamine redirect: exercise, creative work, social interaction.
- Practice mindfulness: notice the thought, label it “fantasy vs reality,” return focus to the present.
- Review the checklist daily or whenever intrusive attraction thoughts arise.
This checklist turns cognitive reframing into a structured, actionable process: identify the illusion, ground in facts, affirm autonomy, and act on self-care.
