Why Abusers Choose Significant Days to Abuse: A Psychological Perspective
One of the most confusing and deeply painful patterns for survivors of abuse is the abuser’s tendency to choose significant days — birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or major life events — as moments to unleash cruelty.
From the outside, it can seem almost too calculated to be true. Why would someone consciously choose to ruin what should be a joyful or meaningful time? What could possibly be going on in their mind?
The answer, sadly, reveals a lot about the dark dynamics of control, envy, and power that sit at the heart of emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse.
Let’s explore it with care and clarity.
1. Control and Power: Reasserting Their Dominance
At its core, abuse is about power and control — not about anger, passion, or misunderstanding.
When a significant day arrives, it symbolizes something beyond the abuser’s reach: your happiness, your independence, your connection to others.
For an abuser, this can feel deeply threatening.
They may fear losing control over your emotional state, seeing you joyful, celebrated, or loved by others — things they desperately want to own or dominate.
By ruining the day, they hijack the narrative.
They bring the attention and emotional energy back to themselves, often making themselves the center of the event through chaos, drama, or pain.
It’s a toxic way of reminding the victim, “I still control how you feel. You do not get to be happy without my permission.”
2. Envy and Resentment: How Dare You Be Happy Without Me?
Abusers often carry deep reservoirs of envy and insecurity, though they mask it well.
They cannot bear to see someone else — even a partner, child, or loved one — receive love, attention, or joy unless it somehow benefits or glorifies them too.
A birthday or anniversary that isn’t centered around them?
A family gathering where the focus is on your achievements?
A day where you shine or are loved without reference to their existence?
This triggers their internal sense of worthlessness — a wound they project outward by punishing you.
In their mind, your happiness becomes a personal attack.
They may not even consciously plan it in a step-by-step way, but deep down, the anger brews: “How dare you enjoy life without me being the cause?”
3. Sabotaging Memories: Making Sure Joy Is Never Safe
One of the more chilling psychological tactics is the deliberate poisoning of memory.
When an abuser ruins a significant day, they aren’t just ruining that moment — they’re contaminating your future memories too.
A birthday no longer feels safe.
A holiday becomes a trigger for anxiety.
An anniversary feels like a looming threat instead of a celebration.
This is no accident.
On some level, many abusers want you to feel that happiness is dangerous, unpredictable, or shameful.
They seek to sever your connection to the normal emotional anchors — traditions, rituals, love, hope — that could otherwise strengthen you or remind you of a life outside their control.
It’s an emotional isolation tactic as much as a power move.
4. Impulse, Rage, and Lack of Empathy: The Perfect Storm
It’s important to note that while some abusive acts are coldly calculated, others are impulsive, fueled by rage and a stunning lack of empathy.
On significant days, emotions run higher for everyone — excitement, nervousness, anticipation.
An abuser, whose emotional regulation is often underdeveloped or warped, may feel overwhelmed by these emotions.
Instead of processing them healthily, they lash out.
They resent not being the center of attention, they panic over perceived slights, or they rage against feeling sidelined by love that isn’t directed exclusively toward them.
In these moments, their internal chaos spills outward — and you pay the price.
This doesn’t excuse their behavior, of course.
It simply explains that sometimes the cruelty isn’t a “plan” as much as it is a toxic reflex — one they never take responsibility for because deep down, they feel entitled to own your happiness.
5. A Very Personal Take: Abuse on Significant Days Is Soul-Destroying
I want to pause here and say, from the heart:
There is something uniquely devastating about being hurt on a day you had hoped would be special.
The wound cuts deeper because it isn’t just about that one moment — it attacks your hope, your belief in goodness, your faith that life can be better.
I believe abusers know this.
Even if they don’t articulate it, they sense the profound emotional injury they cause — and for many, that is part of the power trip.
Because to them, if they can ruin the “best” days, they can teach you not to expect better ones.
They can train you to walk on eggshells even in joy.
They can make hope itself feel foolish.
And that, my friend, is one of the cruellest things an abuser does.
In Conclusion
If someone chose to hurt you on a day that mattered to you, please hear this:
It was never your fault.
It was never because you “made too much of the day,” “were too emotional,” “expected too much,” or “deserved it.”
It was because their need for control, their envy, and their emotional dysfunction were stronger than their ability to love you properly.
Your special days deserve to be sacred.
And I promise you — they still are.
Even if they tried to ruin them, they cannot erase your worthiness, your light, or the love that truly surrounds you when you are free from their shadow.
Healing means taking back your joy.
Bit by bit, memory by memory, moment by moment — you can and will.
And those days will shine again.
— Linda C J Turner
Trauma Therapist | Neuroscience & Emotional Intelligence Practitioner | Advocate for Women’s Empowerment
