Why We Seek Approval

Letting go of the need for approval from others is a significant step toward personal freedom and self-acceptance. Many people find themselves trapped by the desire to be liked, validated, or approved by others, often at the expense of their own happiness and authenticity. The truth is, trying to gain approval from everyone is impossible, and it can lead to anxiety, stress, and feelings of inadequacy. Embracing your true self, without needing external validation, can be incredibly liberating. Let’s explore why we seek approval, the consequences of doing so, and how to break free from this need.

1. Why We Seek Approval

a. Evolutionary Roots

Seeking approval is deeply ingrained in human nature. In our evolutionary past, being part of a group was essential for survival. Approval from others ensured that we were accepted into the tribe, which meant safety, food, and protection. As social beings, we continue to crave acceptance from others, even though survival is no longer dependent on group approval in the same way.

b. Conditioning from Childhood

From a young age, many of us are conditioned to seek approval. We are often rewarded with praise for good behavior and achievements and may be criticized or punished when we fail to meet expectations. Over time, we internalize the belief that our worth is tied to how others perceive us. This can manifest as a constant need for validation from parents, teachers, friends, and later on, society at large.

c. Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection is a powerful motivator in seeking approval. Many people feel that being accepted by others validates their self-worth, and being rejected can feel like a personal failure. This fear of rejection can make us overly cautious, leading to behaviors that prioritize others’ opinions over our own needs and desires.

2. Consequences of Seeking Approval

While seeking approval might seem harmless, it can have several negative effects on your well-being:

a. Loss of Authenticity

When we constantly strive to gain approval from others, we often compromise our authenticity. This might mean suppressing our true thoughts, feelings, or desires to fit in or avoid conflict. Over time, this can lead to a disconnection from who we really are, as we become more focused on pleasing others than on staying true to ourselves.

b. Chronic Stress and Anxiety

The pursuit of approval can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. The pressure to meet others’ expectations or avoid their judgment creates a cycle of worry and self-doubt. Constantly wondering, “What will they think of me?” takes a mental toll, eroding your confidence and leaving you emotionally drained.

c. Difficulty Setting Boundaries

When approval is your main goal, it becomes difficult to set healthy boundaries. You may say “yes” to things you don’t want to do, simply to avoid disappointing others. This can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of personal space to pursue your own goals and passions.

d. Lack of Fulfillment

Living for others’ approval prevents you from living for yourself. You may find that despite gaining validation from others, you still feel empty or unfulfilled because you’re not following your own path. True fulfillment comes from doing what aligns with your values, not what others expect from you.

3. How to Let Go of Needing Approval

Letting go of approval-seeking behaviors doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s a practice that can transform your life. Here are some steps to help you break free:

a. Develop Self-Awareness

The first step in letting go of the need for approval is to become aware of when and why you seek it. Notice when you start modifying your behavior to please others or when their opinion influences your decisions. Journaling about these moments can help you identify patterns, such as specific people or situations that trigger your need for validation.

Ask yourself questions like:

“Why do I care about this person’s approval?”
“How does their opinion affect my choices?”
“What do I actually want in this situation?”

b. Practice Self-Compassion

Often, the need for approval comes from a place of self-doubt or low self-worth. Practicing self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness—can help you build inner strength. Instead of seeking others’ validation, focus on validating your own feelings, choices, and achievements.

When you catch yourself seeking approval, remind yourself:

“I am enough just as I am.”
“I don’t need anyone’s approval to feel worthy.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes and still be deserving of love and respect.”

c. Define Your Own Values

Living according to your own values, rather than seeking approval from others, is essential for personal growth and fulfillment. Take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you. What are your core values? What kind of person do you want to be? When you live by your values, you feel more grounded and less reliant on external validation.

For example:

If creativity is important to you, focus on expressing yourself in ways that feel authentic, even if others don’t fully understand or appreciate it.
If honesty is a core value, practice being truthful with yourself and others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

By living in alignment with your values, you can reduce the desire to conform to others’ expectations.

d. Challenge Negative Beliefs

Often, the need for approval is rooted in limiting beliefs such as, “If people don’t like me, I’m a failure” or “I need to be perfect for people to accept me.” Challenge these beliefs by questioning their validity. Are they really true? Are they helpful?

Try reframing your thoughts:

Instead of “I need everyone to like me,” shift to “Not everyone’s opinion defines my worth.”
Instead of “If I fail, people will judge me,” try “Failure is part of growth, and others’ opinions don’t change my value.”

Over time, replacing negative beliefs with more empowering ones can help reduce your reliance on approval.

e. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

It’s easier to let go of seeking approval when you’re surrounded by people who appreciate and accept you for who you are. Build relationships with people who respect your boundaries, encourage your authenticity, and offer constructive feedback without judgment. These kinds of connections help reinforce the idea that you don’t need approval from everyone—just those who genuinely care about you.

f. Embrace Vulnerability

Letting go of approval means accepting that you won’t always be liked or understood by everyone, and that’s okay. This requires vulnerability—the willingness to be yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. Vulnerability is a strength because it allows you to be authentic and open to meaningful connections, rather than trying to control how others see you.

Embrace the idea that:

Not everyone will agree with or appreciate your choices, but that doesn’t diminish your worth.
Being imperfect or making mistakes is part of being human, and it’s through those moments that we grow.

g. Focus on Internal Validation

Shift your focus from seeking external validation to building internal validation. This means valuing your own opinion, respecting your own needs, and being proud of your own progress, regardless of others’ views. Practice giving yourself credit for your achievements and acknowledging your efforts, even when no one else does.

Ask yourself:

“What do I think about this decision?”
“How do I feel about my progress, regardless of what others say?”
“Am I proud of how I handled this situation?”

4. Benefits of Letting Go of Approval-Seeking

Once you begin letting go of the need for approval, you’ll experience a sense of liberation. Here are some of the benefits you can expect:

a. Greater Confidence

When you stop relying on others to define your worth, your confidence grows. You begin to trust your own judgment and abilities, and your self-esteem becomes more stable because it’s no longer dependent on external opinions.

b. Freedom to Be Authentic

Without the constant pressure to fit in or be liked, you can live more authentically. You’ll feel free to express yourself without fear of judgment, and your relationships will become more genuine because they’re based on who you truly are, not who you think others want you to be.

c. Deeper Fulfillment

When you prioritize your own values, passions, and goals, you create a life that feels more meaningful and aligned with who you are. You’ll find greater fulfillment in pursuing what truly matters to you, rather than chasing the approval of others.

d. Reduced Stress and Anxiety

Letting go of approval-seeking reduces the constant worry about what others think of you. This leads to lower stress levels and a more peaceful mindset, as you become less concerned with meeting external expectations and more focused on your own happiness.

Conclusion

Letting go of the need for approval is an ongoing journey, but it’s a journey toward greater freedom, confidence, and fulfillment. When you stop relying on others to define your worth, you begin to live authentically and pursue the things that truly matter to you. By practicing self-awareness, self-compassion, and internal validation, you can break free from the cycle of seeking approval and embrace your true self with courage and confidence.

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