Responses

When someone shares good news or a positive event, how we respond can significantly impact both the sharer and the relationship. Here are examples of the four response styles—active-constructive, passive-constructive, active-destructive, and passive-destructive—using the scenario where someone shares that they received a raise.

1. Active-Constructive Response

This is the most beneficial response style. It involves showing genuine enthusiasm and interest in the other person’s success, which validates their experience and strengthens the relationship.

Example:
- Sharer: “I got the raise I’ve been working so hard for!”
- Responder: “That’s fantastic! I knew you could do it. You’ve been putting in so much effort, and it’s really paid off. How are you going to celebrate?”

2. Passive-Constructive Response

This response is positive but lacks the enthusiasm and energy that characterizes the active-constructive response. While it acknowledges the good news, it’s somewhat subdued and doesn’t fully engage with the sharer.

Example:
- Sharer: “I got the raise I’ve been working so hard for!”
- Responder: “That’s nice. Good for you.”

3. Active-Destructive Response

This response style undermines the positive event by focusing on potential downsides or by being critical. It can be damaging to both the sharer’s feelings and the relationship.

Example:
- Sharer: “I got the raise I’ve been working so hard for!”
- Responder: “Are you sure that’s a good thing? Now you’ll probably have to work even longer hours. I hope it doesn’t stress you out too much.”

4. Passive-Destructive Response

This response style is disengaged or dismissive. It often involves ignoring the good news or shifting the focus away from the sharer, which can make the sharer feel unimportant or unheard.

Example:
- Sharer: “I got the raise I’ve been working so hard for!”
- Responder: “Oh, by the way, did you see that new movie that just came out?”

Summary

Active-Constructive: Enthusiastic, supportive, and engaging (“That’s fantastic! Tell me more!”).
Passive-Constructive: Positive but lacking energy (“That’s nice.”).
Active-Destructive: Critical or undermining (“Are you sure it’s worth it?”).
Passive-Destructive: Disengaged or dismissive (“Oh, did you hear about…?”).

Research shows that an active-constructive response not only makes the sharer feel good but also enhances the relationship by creating a sense of shared joy and support. On the other hand, the other response styles can lead to feelings of disappointment, hurt, or even resentment, which can negatively impact the relationship and the well-being of both parties.

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