When an abuser shows kindness, it can create confusion, mixed emotions, and uncertainty in the victim. This behavior is often part of a manipulation tactic known as the “cycle of abuse,” which consists of alternating periods of abusive behavior and moments of kindness or remorse.

It’s important to understand that the abuser’s occasional acts of kindness are not genuine expressions of care or love. They are strategic efforts to maintain control over the victim and keep them trapped in the abusive relationship. These acts can serve several purposes, such as:

1. Reinforcement: Kindness from the abuser reinforces the belief that the abuser is not entirely bad and that there is hope for change or improvement in the relationship. It can make the victim question their own judgment and create a sense of dependence on the abuser.
2. Manipulation and guilt: By showing kindness, the abuser may create a sense of indebtedness or guilt in the victim. This can make it harder for the victim to leave the relationship or seek help, as they may feel a sense of obligation to reciprocate the kindness or believe that the abuser can change.
3. Confusion and control: The intermittent nature of abuse and kindness creates confusion in the victim’s mind. The victim may question whether the abuse is their fault, whether the abuser truly cares for them, or whether they deserve the abuse. This confusion can help the abuser maintain control over the victim and undermine their self-esteem.

It’s important for individuals in abusive relationships to recognize that occasional acts of kindness do not outweigh or justify the abusive behavior. It is part of a manipulative cycle aimed at maintaining power and control. Breaking free from an abusive relationship often requires support from trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance, resources, and safety planning.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it is crucial to seek help from local helplines, support organizations, or professionals trained in dealing with domestic violence or abuse. They can provide assistance, guidance, and support in navigating the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship.

© Linda C J Turner